Father Mordecai's Ultra-Saponified Tasty Treats...

This roiling cauldron of radio stew is brought to you by Father Mordecai's Ultra-Saponified Tasty Treats. Ladies, are you unattractively thin? Do you slide out of corsets like a log going down a flume? Is your back like an Atkin's Diet... no rolls? Does your bustle lack hustle? Then it's high time you shoved an Ultra-Saponified Tasty Treat in your craw. Father Mordecai makes this, the newest trend in beauty-fattening aids, with the four essential meat lards - meat, chicken, moose, and miscellaneous. Then, after lovingly wrapping the resultant lard-patty in bonding, he fries to a nutritious golden brown. From there, it is shipped from his odd smelling factory to your physician, who can prescribe to you, the unlovably waifish female, a delicious fortifying Ultra-Saponified Tasty Treat!

And... If you're frustrated by reports of impending precipitation, knowing that you can stand by, impotently, while rain looms in the future, waiting to soak you with possible foreign water, then Professor Cirrus has the umbrella for you. Run, don't walk, to your nearest parasol outlet and obtain the PreEmptive Bumbershoot can accompany you anywhere dark clouds threaten. They will quickly disperse when your PreEmptive Bumbershoot, which comes in four festive prints, blasts a pillar of electromagnetic radiation directly into the impolite atmosphere. A mere half-hour's exposure to cosmic rays is the only price you'll have to pay to keep your dashing beaver pelt hat dry and your dignity intact. Professor Cirrus' PreEmptive Bumbershoot! Haul one in a wheelbarrow to your next picnic... TODAY!

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret comes to you thanks to a generous grant and a significant boot in the ass from WCOM LP-FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which, like you, thinks the Chubb Corporation has a funny name.

Randolph Everett's Choice Cut Dino-meats...

Earlier this year, an intrepid team of Arctic explorers tumbled into a previously uncharted crevice in the frozen wasteland. Here, far beneath the Earth's crust, they discovered a tropical wonderland populated by magnificent beasts of prehistoric yore. Yes, they found the dinosaurs and now, you too can find these mysterious and noble creatures on your Thanksgiving dinner table thanks to Randolph Everett's Choice Cut Dino-meats! Your first course soup will wow your guests when you throw in a generous helping of Stega-Stew-Chunks! Combine the grandeur of the past with the flavor of the Orient with a delightful Teriyaki-Dactyl! And, as the center of your Thanksgiving meal, carve into a slow-cooked Veloci-Roaster, guaranteed juicy, lean and mostly dead. Randolph Everett's Choice Cut Dino-Meats asks, "Won't you stuff yourself full of dinosaur this year?"

And... after you've stumbled out of bed, groggy from your thunder lizard repast, and began arming yourself for your Black Friday shopping, won't you remember Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary! It's the gift that keeps on giving - until they put you in quarantine. Ask for it, in a wet, strangled rasp, by name.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret comes to you wrapped in butcher's twine, pulled from the defrosted carcass of WCOM 103.5 LP-FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which forgot the nutmeg and brown sugar this year AGAIN. DAMMIT!

Now, if you'll excuse me ladies, I'm off to petition the President to reinstate the sentence on that turkey. No turkey who did what that turkey did to those prostitutes should be allowed to live!

Wilmer Jumpsnort's Automated Mustache Twirler...

November 18th Sponsorships

This cover of every show up to this point is brought to you by Wilmer Jumpsnort's Automated Mustache Twirler. Are your hands never free long enough to gloat properly over widows you've tied to the railroad tracks? When the mounties are in hot pursuit, are your arms pumping furiously as you run, leaving no time to accentuate your melodramatic cackling? Enter... the Automated Mustache Twirler! Simply attach it to your top hat or flight cap and your hands will be free for devious wringing while our amazing apparatus does all the facial hair molesting for you! (Not responsible for loss of lips.)

And... Does your domestic situation leave something to be desired? Do you long to steal away from the missus and retreat to a secluded bungalow and throw yourself into the sterile steel grasp of an illicit automatron lover, where she will whisper in your ear, "IF LOVING YOU IS WRONG, I DO NOT WANT TO BE RIGHT"? It's your lucky day! From the makers of Robot-Wife, it's Robot Mistress! She comes with all of the attachments of your Robot-Wife, but she's actually willing to use them! Robot Mistress, the mistress you only pay for once!

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret is better than the original version WCOM LP-FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which was only in it for the money anyway.

Loud Screaming Men...

This extremely exhausted edition of the Clockwork Cabaret is brought to you by Loud Screaming Men. A weekend of debauchery has left you ill-equipped to pay attention to your boss, your loved ones or oncoming traffic, so why not hire out a brace of strapping young bellowers to snap you back to attention? Many fine varieties are available to choose from, including sporty (WOO!), frightening (AAAH!), and congratulatory (YAY!), shrill ladies are also available upon request (EEE!). Call Loud Screaming Men LTD. and have someone scream at you on purpose today!

And... Abner Toffee's Pneumatic Hat. Most hats claim to be One Size Fits All, but Abner Toffee's Pneumatic Hat ensures that all heads fit this wonderful, surgical-grade chapeau. WARNING: Not to be used by anyone.

As always the Clockwork Cabaret hits the snooze alarm three or four times before finally giving into WCOM LP-FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which brings you the best in music, news, and talk, despite our valiant efforts.

Advert: Master Ichabod's Ozone Generator

Do you enjoy the smell of the air after a thunderstorm? Then you'll love Master Ichabod's Ozone Generator.

Ozone is nature's disinfectant, and no disease can exist in a malignant form where it is in the atmosphere. It removes the offensiveness of many hideous odors, replacing it with the fresh & pleasant smell of ozone.

We supply Ozone Genrators in 2 sizes - Dainty & Enormous.
Orders by post promptly attended to; Send for pamphlet & free scratch n' sniff testers.

Also available in a personal hygiene travel size - Ichabod's Single Use Disposable Ozone Moustache Appliques. Nestle within your moustache for all day timed release. Ozone smell as near to you as your upper lip.

Klaude Davenport's Botched Inventions...

Thanks to the latest in hybrid technology, this week's show is brought to you from the creaking, mysteriously dripping vaults containing Klaude Davenport's Botched Inventions, which thanks to their high degree of botchitude, can now be purchased at rock-bottom prices.

Firstly, Klaude Davenport's Blunderbustle! Giving a new meaning to the term "rear flank", these high explosive, high fashion accoutrements, first disarm the enemy romantically, then disarm them in actuality. Putting the boom in the zoom-a-boom-boom, it's Klaude Davenport's Blunderbustle!

Also from Klaude's Kitchen, it's the Pancake Milkshake! Fortified with moleculites, the Pancake Milkshake is delicious, nutritious, and slightly hallucinogenic. Now in blueberry, banana, and sentient.

As always, Klaude Davenport's failures as an inventor and victories as an unintentional conceptual artist are brought to you by WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which thanks to Klaude, is now powered by the plutonium honey of the deadly ATOM-O-BEE! Buzz buzz kill!

Lower Uppington Insurance Brokers...

This big old fistful of clanking noises is brought to you by Lower Uppington Insurance Brokers. Are you worried about the future? Do you fret over the welfare of your children? Do you lay awake at night, thinking about the damage that hideous human-animal hybrid beasts could visit upon you and you loved ones? Lower Uppington Insurance Brokers is here to help. Our insurance plan will cover you in the event of an attack from slavering ungodly creature-people, whether they come cursing and growling into the comfort of your own home or run afoul of you while you take an inadvisable holiday on an island owned by a crazy frenchman. Lower Uppington Insurance Brokers, because manimals is inevitables.

And! Have you ever thought to yourself, "Certainly, my waistcoat and monocle are top notch, but what I could use it more frilly bits on my blouse..." or perhaps, "That pirate fad was jolly good, but far too provinicial. Could I do the same thing with a more... continental flair?" You're in luck! From the makers of Steampunk, it's Baroque-Punk!! Be the first on your block to mince up to your neighbors and quip, "I've just redone my laptop to resemble a gilded harpsichord!" Powdered wigs, embroidered pantaloons, and gum disease can be yours with Baroque-Punk! If it ain't Baroque, then it damned well should be. Fah fah fah!

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret casts its fell glow, like the light of a thousand dying suns, as a result of WCOM LP-FM Chapel Hill/Carrboro. Which this week wants to remind you that someone very special is having a birthday! Who could it be? WHY IT'S ME! You shouldn't have, inanimate radio station!

RUDD's Finishing School (Advertisement from the Evening Argus)

RUDD's FINISHING SCHOOL
for Scarlet Women, Painted Ladies, Cads, and Bounders!

Gentlemen! Do you have an illegitimate and wayward son or daughter?
Ladies, are your second and third children 'getting under your feet'?
These sorts of young adults need instruction in the way the world REALLY works

Fortunately the Rudd Finishing School can help!

Established in 1808 under the patronage of King James III, The Rudd
school is managed, run and solely owned by - Lady Emmeline Rudd.

Our forthright curriculum is dedicated to equipping these 'difficult'
over-grown children with useful skills, once their 12 month course is
completed.

Cad's, Bounders and Rakes will acquire the following skill-set:
Gem-theft - using the patented 'Raffles' method
Brawling
Billiards / Pool / Snooker
Cards - Poker (honest and 'professional'), Bridge, and Pontoon
Backgammon - To Win, to humble and to cheat
Cocktails for the louche
and more...

Scarlet Women, Painted Ladies and Mistresses will learn
Eye Flashing - to Parisian Boudoir level
Make Up - an intensive course covering Demure, Wooing, Seduction and Scorn
Derringer - All Nineteen hiding places
Poisons - New and Old
Bustles - for the new seductress!

While the fees for this course are very substantial, your wayward
child will soon forget their old life of petty theft and trivial
friendship and be well on their way to becoming a scandalous person,
never away from the headlines - thus allowing the careful parent to
dine out on the exploits of their child for the rest of their life.

All communications and fee advancements should be sent to:-

Lady Rudd
Kitty O'Shea House
Nelson Road
Dulwich

submitted by Mr. Neon Suntan

Beaconsfield-Ryon Academy for Scholastic Specialis or B.R.A.S.S.

In addition to the normal education befitting young people, all B.R.A.S.S. students receive tutoring in the following:-

• Zeppelin Construction - Theory and Practice
• General Goggling
• Aerial Trigonometry
• Aetheric Calculus
• Fencing - to Olympic Standard
• General Marksmanship
• Applied Apparatus design
• Courting Etiquette

Second Year students have the opportunity to specialise in two of the following:-

• Ray-Gun implementation
• Advanced Goggling
• Advanced Corsetry
• Steam Cannon Construction
• Practical Stiletto Usage
• Advanced Courting Techniques
• Japanese Wrestling or "Jiu Jitsu" - new this semester with Mr. Kimura

Final Year options are normally agreed with Personal Tutors but recent qualifications attained have included:-

Mad Scientist
Crazed Aviatrix
Wayward Pilot
Gentleman Caller
Dandy Adventurer*
Lady Explorer*

*requires an extra six-month secondment to Ramzans Sabre Academy in Delhi

The Academy was established in the desecrated Convent of the Sisters of Pulchritude and refurbishments were completed in 1889 to the highest standard.

Facilities include:

• Gymnasium
• Male and Female Turkish Baths
• Running track
• Zeppelin Hangar

Sports (available to both men and women):

• General Athletics
• Fell Running
• Soccer
• Rugby
• American Football
• Rounders

Other activities include:

• Masque Ball
• Halloween Ball
• Yuletide Ball
• Valentine Ball

Details of fees, bursaries, scholarships, accommodation arrangements, Aether insurance rates and Goggle Hire are available on request....

submitted by Mr. Neon Suntan

Lady Winchester's Fully Articulated Bustles...

Tonight's carnival of sonic delights is brought to you by Lady Winchester's Fully Articulated Bustles. Perfect for today's athletically minded woman, Lady Winchester's Fully Articulated Bustles come with a series of pulleys and lever, powered by a state-of-the-art two stroke motor. This Spring's models are completely seaworthy and ideal for this year's yachting season.

And! Is your family looking for a unique vacation getaway? Are you a hardened criminal with no chance of rehabilitation? France's Ministry of Tourism & Board of Corrections invites you to Devil's Island! A beautiful Caribbean retreat now featuring monthly baths, free malaria and daily beatings for invigoration of the humors. Devil's Island - YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE.

As always. the Clockwork Cabaret is blasted at you out of the audio-cannon by WCOM-LP, Chapel Hill & Carrboro, of 103.5 FM, the only frequency that keeps the Martian invaders at bay. Take that, you squishy scallywags!

Now if you'll excuse me ladies, I've got to go rent some draft horses and a cart, so I can get this week's profits exchanged for giant Lapland coins. I've got a great stock tip on reindeer bellies to capitalize on.