Dr. Wiseman's Patented Steam O'Matic

Ever feel as though you have to explain steampunk once to often a day? Sick and tired of trying to make main stream idiots like you even less? What you need is Dr. Wiseman's Patented Steam O' Matic! Conveniently designed to look like a top hat, crossed with something from a frankenstein movie, or possibly just one of those things old ladies sit under at the hairdresser!. Just pop the Steam O' Matic on someone's head, and they will instantly not only know what steampunk is, they will love it! Plus, if you call now, we we'll also send you the bonus Brain-Wash-Be-Gone soap, for your new, now slightly Pale and pasty looking fellow Steampunk. AND our patented top-hat-crossed-with-something- from-a-frankenstien-movie-or-possibly-just-one-of-those-things-old-ladies-sit-under-at-the-hairdresser-hat-hair comb!

Side affects may include: A strange desire to tune the radio in to WCOM 103.5FM Carrboro/Chapel Hill at 11pm every Monday, and the refusal to drink anything but tea. The Steam O' Matic has not yet been FDA approved.

submitted by Captain Jack Havock

The Lab of Dr. Von Blaster

TRAVELERS!!!! Weary of horse and buggy traffic? Is the schedule of your local train depot not reliable? Do you depend on good weather to get your airship off the ground? Then the Lab of Dr. Von Blaster has the answer for you. “Dr. Von Blaster’s Steam powered catapult and catch mechanism” patent pending. Simply aim and throw the catch mechanism first then load yourself pull the the cored and fly! Get anywhere within 50 miles faster then an unladen swallow.

The Lab of Dr. Von Blaster does not guaranty landing in the catch mechanism 100% of the time nor is responsible for G force related injuries. Return trips are to be made with a second catapult or other means.

The Lab of Dr. Von Blaster! Meeting all your powered catapult needs since 1870.

Submitted by Tyler Rinek of Strange Creations

Doc Toc's Showroom of Domestic Devices

Are you tired of siblings lording it over you with their mechanical monkeys?

Do you crave the companionship that only a feisty feline can provide?

Come on down to 'Doc Toc’s Showroom of Domestic Devices'.

Doc Toc brings you the latest in clockwork contraptions and mechanical marvels.

The brand new Wind-Up Wildcat is a compact version of the ever-popular Tic-Toc Tiger. Complete with a realistic purr setting on its motor coils, the Wind-Up Wildcat is everything you could want from a feeble bio-cat and much much more! Marvel as it fells trees in an attempt to sharpen its titanium claws. Gaze awe-stricken as it designs, weaves and finally destroys exquisite and expensive home furnishings. The Wind-Up Wildcat will even produce wire-wool fur balls that can be used around your home or workshop.

For a limited time only, receive a free solid-steel transport cage with each purchase of the Wind-Up Wildcat.

The Wind-Up Wildcat, a fine addition to any home, hunt or military force.

Submitted by Simon Fiddlefield

The Workshop of Isolated Devoted Fans

Are you lacking the advice of a rogue financier?

With fictional sponsors in short supply, do you find yourself worrying where the next fictional dollar will come from?

The now resigned, but still bored at work, workshop of isolated devoted fan brings the following words for your consideration. Use them, loose them, laugh with them or at them, with naught else to occupy him, he’s gonna keep on writing them...in third person.

Are you troubled by tarantulas? Angered by arachnids? Do spiders plague your waking world?

If such terrors put a rustle in your bustle then we have the solution to free your undergarments from fear related quakes. Rid yourself of this condition and harden your disposition with our ingenious invention.

How is such a behavioural transformation possible?

Simply arm yourself with our patented appendage amputation shears and this simple erroneous mantra: “Spiders have eight legs, not six. That must surely be an insect!”

Now you can live a scream-free existence surrounded by swarms of your new found friends.

This marvel of modern mis-thinking is brought to you by Miss Muffet’s emporium of curds, whey and devilish devices. Now available by mail-order.

The Spring Ball has sprung with unfavourable speed and fervour. Despite your best efforts of interception, your ward has seen the invitation and there are simply no more excuses to be made. What terrible fate awaits her in that crowd of peering eyes and wandering hands!?

Fret not. Fear not. Simply send your chaste charge off with a delightful gift from Madam Chastity’s Boutique of Charming Accessories.

Try the Propriety Propensity Belt. This fashionable adornment will accentuate her petite waistline whilst simultaneously breaking the fingers of all who try to touch it.

When your charge arrives home early, which she will, this delectable decoration can be put to good use around the home. Merely place it upon your larder floor to protect your cheeses from ravenous rodents and dishonest servants.

Madam Chastity, protecting reputations and cheeses for over 30 years.

Are you a dejected poet with the blues?

Has the ability to rhyme a couplet deserted you(s)?

Why should you bow to the unruly, hard-to-ryhmey nature of words such as orange?

Simply turn such words into a sorrange!

Purchase a copy of our Dictionary of Questionable Authenticity and all your literary troubles will be over. The Dictionary of Questionable Authenticity contains over 100’000 words that are guaranteed not to be found in any other dictionary! This legendary lexicon is a ‘must have’ for all those that suffer poetic perplexity. Buy now and we’ll include an extra 200 blank pages so that additional words you ‘discover’ can be added at your convenience.

The Dictionary of Questionable Authenticity. Buy it now before stocks eborange!

As usual, this voyage into the shallow depths of creative attempt was brought to you, regardless of consent or contempt, and with much overuse use of rhyming intent, by Mr Simon Fiddlefield.

Robot Attorney

This cantakerous fish bucket is brought to you by Robot Attorney. Long have the imperfectly fleshy masses of law doctors, biased by glandular emotion fits, dominated the field of legal discourse! Let the cold logic of steel and the exquisite clockwork engineering of its rhetorical gearbox make objections stay objectionable, pick jurors with laser guided accuracy and file motions at speeds of well over 80 miles per hour. Nary a judge will remain unconvinced when its bowler flaps back with a jet of steam, it rears up behind the defense to its court approved height of twelve feet and interjects,"PERMISSION TO TREAT THE WITNESS AS HOSTILE. DEPLOYING CROSS EXAMINATION PROBE IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE" Robot Attorney! Court hastily adjourned!

And! Modern piscine surgery has seen fit, against all reason, to strive together THE PERFECT FISH. Regard now the Magic Wish Trout! Provides a complete daily serving of vegetables! Swallops cods! Provides comfort to old women! Exquisitely compliments chocolate! Answers any question so long as you don't mind the answer being wharglhlrgblblrghblub! Makes its own chips! Watches you while you sleep then sleeps while you watch it! Giggles! Magic Qish Trout! Seriously though just eat it.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret passes through the seasons of life as one inevitably must, summer to winter, green to brown, ashes to ashes, the inexorable slide towards WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. AND NOW THE BIRTHDAY SONG FOR EMMETT!

Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion

This perfidious poundcake is brought to you by the Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion. The world is a terrible wasteland pockmarked with the hideous and insane; aesthetic nightmares that can only be saved by a lacy disc of dainty fabric. Yes, any horrible sight can be put out of mind with the proper 'Doily for any Occasion'. Pug faced child? Cover his shame. Pile of dog business? Make that business a classy affair! Cast off meat processing facility? Yes, we make a doily that big, and there's even holes for the sulphur jets. The Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion. What are they even for, anyway!?!

And! Remember now, in the densely humid days of this, our moist summer season, who truly has been making it impossible for you to breath for, well, over a century? Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary. Ask for it, from the family gathered around your sickbed, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret forgot the one word, the important word, the utterance of power that would have forever sealed the ancient perversity of WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Now, let radio cooking shows & outdoor festival news be your DOOM! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mystery Box

This canker tank doodlie bop is brought to you by MYSTERY BOX. A lacquered crate covered in runes, held together with brass nails and terrible suspense! What is the MYSTERY BOX? Was it delivered from the Orient? Found in the Mojave? Bought at a yard sale? What does it contain? Festive scorpions? Tickle midgetts? MOTHER!?! What is the price? Dollars? Pounds? Sheckels? Anguish? PUPPIES? Gaze now into the MYSTERY BOX! MYSTERY BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOXBOXBOXBOXBOX!

And! As a childless spinster inexplicably put in charge of other people's progeny, you find it difficult to take time out, of suppressing your human emotions and staring disapprovingly, to replenish your nanny supplies. Do not worry! Request now, yes, your catalog from the Au Pair Emporium! Inside you will find shapeless black dresses in sizes rail thin & jigglingly obese, black leather medical satchels (for some damn reason), the Widowmaker's Guide to Hair Bun Construction and, in a pinch, the hefty catalog itself can be used as a child discipline tool. The Au Pair Emporium! It's something to do, besides look after the welfare of a child.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is always the carpenter on the trail to WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. You died... of FUN! ... and a snakebite.