The Wonderous Telemaphone

This frazzled go-getter is brought to you by the Wonderous Telemaphone! Move over, Bell! Shove it, Marconi! Get lost, Farnsworth! The most amazing advancement in communication and long distance entertainment is here! IN YOUR FACE! RIGHT! NOW! Pick up the cast-iron receiver and call ANYONE FOR ANY REASON! Long lost relatives? Ask them for money! Displaced children? Tell them to remain so! Recently deceased? Use them to reserve your room athe Best Western in Purgatory! The Wonderous Telemaphone! You practically have to call your mother now! FOREVER.

And! PANDAS! They aren't good for anything.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret tumbles from the dryer, fresh, fuzzy, cuddly and WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. And, wait 'til you see what we left in the lint trap!

The Constabulary of British Gentlemen's Lip Starch

This emotive imagining is brought to you by The Constabulary of British Gentlemen's Lip Starch. Do emotions get the better of you? Do you find yourself lacking resolve?
The Constabulary of British Gentlemen has a few simple words for you: Keep a stiff upper lip! That’s right folks; a daily application of our patented Lip-Starch is all you need to fool the world into thinking you are a man of substance and character. Regardless of pain, tragedy or familial death, your expression will remain stern and emotionless whilst you quietly weep on the inside. Lip-Starch! You may never smile again.


The Clockwork Cabaret leaps from rooftop to rooftop in hot pursuit of that dastardly villain WCOM 103.5 LP Chapel Hill and Carrboro. But, not to worry, he only attacks on Wednesdays.

submitted by Simon Fiddlefield

The Lab of Dr. Von Blaster

TRAVELERS!!!! Weary of horse and buggy traffic? Is the schedule of your local train depot not reliable? Do you depend on good weather to get your airship off the ground? Then the Lab of Dr. Von Blaster has the answer for you. “Dr. Von Blaster’s Steam powered catapult and catch mechanism” patent pending. Simply aim and throw the catch mechanism first then load yourself pull the the cored and fly! Get anywhere within 50 miles faster then an unladen swallow.

The Lab of Dr. Von Blaster does not guaranty landing in the catch mechanism 100% of the time nor is responsible for G force related injuries. Return trips are to be made with a second catapult or other means.

The Lab of Dr. Von Blaster! Meeting all your powered catapult needs since 1870.

Submitted by Tyler Rinek of Strange Creations

Doc Toc's Showroom of Domestic Devices

Are you tired of siblings lording it over you with their mechanical monkeys?

Do you crave the companionship that only a feisty feline can provide?

Come on down to 'Doc Toc’s Showroom of Domestic Devices'.

Doc Toc brings you the latest in clockwork contraptions and mechanical marvels.

The brand new Wind-Up Wildcat is a compact version of the ever-popular Tic-Toc Tiger. Complete with a realistic purr setting on its motor coils, the Wind-Up Wildcat is everything you could want from a feeble bio-cat and much much more! Marvel as it fells trees in an attempt to sharpen its titanium claws. Gaze awe-stricken as it designs, weaves and finally destroys exquisite and expensive home furnishings. The Wind-Up Wildcat will even produce wire-wool fur balls that can be used around your home or workshop.

For a limited time only, receive a free solid-steel transport cage with each purchase of the Wind-Up Wildcat.

The Wind-Up Wildcat, a fine addition to any home, hunt or military force.

Submitted by Simon Fiddlefield

Robot Attorney

This cantakerous fish bucket is brought to you by Robot Attorney. Long have the imperfectly fleshy masses of law doctors, biased by glandular emotion fits, dominated the field of legal discourse! Let the cold logic of steel and the exquisite clockwork engineering of its rhetorical gearbox make objections stay objectionable, pick jurors with laser guided accuracy and file motions at speeds of well over 80 miles per hour. Nary a judge will remain unconvinced when its bowler flaps back with a jet of steam, it rears up behind the defense to its court approved height of twelve feet and interjects,"PERMISSION TO TREAT THE WITNESS AS HOSTILE. DEPLOYING CROSS EXAMINATION PROBE IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE" Robot Attorney! Court hastily adjourned!

And! Modern piscine surgery has seen fit, against all reason, to strive together THE PERFECT FISH. Regard now the Magic Wish Trout! Provides a complete daily serving of vegetables! Swallops cods! Provides comfort to old women! Exquisitely compliments chocolate! Answers any question so long as you don't mind the answer being wharglhlrgblblrghblub! Makes its own chips! Watches you while you sleep then sleeps while you watch it! Giggles! Magic Qish Trout! Seriously though just eat it.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret passes through the seasons of life as one inevitably must, summer to winter, green to brown, ashes to ashes, the inexorable slide towards WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. AND NOW THE BIRTHDAY SONG FOR EMMETT!

Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion

This perfidious poundcake is brought to you by the Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion. The world is a terrible wasteland pockmarked with the hideous and insane; aesthetic nightmares that can only be saved by a lacy disc of dainty fabric. Yes, any horrible sight can be put out of mind with the proper 'Doily for any Occasion'. Pug faced child? Cover his shame. Pile of dog business? Make that business a classy affair! Cast off meat processing facility? Yes, we make a doily that big, and there's even holes for the sulphur jets. The Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion. What are they even for, anyway!?!

And! Remember now, in the densely humid days of this, our moist summer season, who truly has been making it impossible for you to breath for, well, over a century? Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary. Ask for it, from the family gathered around your sickbed, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret forgot the one word, the important word, the utterance of power that would have forever sealed the ancient perversity of WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Now, let radio cooking shows & outdoor festival news be your DOOM! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mystery Box

This canker tank doodlie bop is brought to you by MYSTERY BOX. A lacquered crate covered in runes, held together with brass nails and terrible suspense! What is the MYSTERY BOX? Was it delivered from the Orient? Found in the Mojave? Bought at a yard sale? What does it contain? Festive scorpions? Tickle midgetts? MOTHER!?! What is the price? Dollars? Pounds? Sheckels? Anguish? PUPPIES? Gaze now into the MYSTERY BOX! MYSTERY BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOXBOXBOXBOXBOX!

And! As a childless spinster inexplicably put in charge of other people's progeny, you find it difficult to take time out, of suppressing your human emotions and staring disapprovingly, to replenish your nanny supplies. Do not worry! Request now, yes, your catalog from the Au Pair Emporium! Inside you will find shapeless black dresses in sizes rail thin & jigglingly obese, black leather medical satchels (for some damn reason), the Widowmaker's Guide to Hair Bun Construction and, in a pinch, the hefty catalog itself can be used as a child discipline tool. The Au Pair Emporium! It's something to do, besides look after the welfare of a child.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is always the carpenter on the trail to WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. You died... of FUN! ... and a snakebite.

Thumbknuckle's Institute of Punching

This modular kerfuffle is brought to you by Thumbknuckle's Institute of Punching. Punching is no longer for the objects of your well-reasoned aggression. While Thumbknuckle's will still gladly assault strangers on a whim but often times what one finds is that a self-inflicted knock to the noggin is necessary to rebuke your own regretful behavior. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS! Let our fist technicians learn you good the next time you lock your parasol inside your ornithopter, forget which powder goes in what chemical or neglect to call your surgically created chimp-man-zee on her birthday. We will go anywhere, use any means, sink to any low to helpfully punch you in the face for being stupid. Thumbknuckle's Institute of Punching: the leaders in hitting dudes.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret disapproves of the style of your attire & sincerely hopes you are inappropriately courted by a pack of WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Incidentally, we did in fact promise you a rose garden. Terribly sorry.

Lord Evans' Famed Drop Bear Launchers

Do you feel a need to deliver terrifying yet adorable death at a distance? Do you mourn the lack of weapons that fire deadly animals? If so then pick up Lord Evans' Dropbear Cannon today.

Dropbears are the carnivorous cousins of the gentle Koalas who infest the Invisible Ham. When exposed to the scent of blood these small bears turn into small balls of fur and death. The drop bear launcher safely contains these dangerous animals, and with a clockwork powered catapult engine will propel these small deadly creatures directly into your enemies.Terrify your enemies, acquaintances and social workers with Lord Evans' drop bear cannon! Make your guest stare in awe at your terrifying masculinity, as you hold our enormous cannon and drive away pesky foes with nature's perfect weapon, the drop bear.

Lord Evans' is not responsible for any injuries that may be suffered while loading the patented drop bear cannon.
Extreme caution is advised when handling. In the case of a misfire, please contact our specialised maintenance crews with your loud terrified screams.

Ask for it by name at your local gun range
Buy now and receive an extra cage of drop bears

Submitted by Pat Evans of Australia

Klaude Davenport's Birthday...

This voluminous voluptuous venom is brought to you by KLAUDE DAVENPORT'S BIRTHDAY! Now sing the birthday song. The Clockwork Cabaret is brought to you by WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Now just keep writing so that they think you're making sponsors. Oh sweet Jesus of the Israelites, I am tired as all the balls of every possible world. I am definitely going to die if I have to go home. I will sleep under a barrel and pretend I am a shot fish.

And! Nothing. I am turning into a goblin. The sleep, she comes for me with knifes of blinky eyes. Soon, the blessed darkness of dreams and stars will seize me and on my bed ship, which is really shaped like a rocket, no lie, I will bust through Little Nemo and hit Slumberland like a effing bomb.

As always, blah blah blah.

Pecos Penny's Wild West Fish Rodeo...

Yabble babble doo dah to you by Pecos Penny's Wild West Fish Rodeo. Let your expectations of dusty plains be swept away, and your cowboy dreams get an overdue bath when you attend the most advanced demonstration in animal taunting ever presented to underwater human eyeballs. WITNESS trout diapering, cod blocking, a blood rousing game of octopus Red Rover and the popular singalong "Gat A Long Little Dugong". Never before have fish been so humiliated. Pecos Penny's Wild West Fish Rodeo. Wharglblrglbrglgrl!

And! Sleep! Precious sleep! Do you miss sleep? Sleep misses you. Comfy, wool-soft sleep. Available now, unwanted until one, Sleep. (pause) SLEEP.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret broke Burnham's smoking ban and buried down the Peristyle, tragically resulting in WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, a call sign that will live in infamy.

Butterscotch Mills Creepy Doll Company...

This labyrinthine folderall is brought to you by Butterscotch Mills Creepy Doll Company. Our expert team of deranged spinsters handcraft an unnerving selection using a variety of quality bits and pieces found in witch attics. Thom Yorke-style assymetrically blinking eyes, tiny fist half-clenched in tepid anger, missing shoes and carefully distressed voice boxes that moan "MA MA" right before you fall asleep. Al these and many more vintage terrors await when your delivery arrives from the Butterscotch Mills Creepy Doll Company. Don't worry; they probably won't come to life.

And! The pollen is subsidized, the temperature is stabilizing and snotty toddlers have all wandered to the sandbox. You, however, are fairly certain the engineer is going to make you use your mouth to spit the coal into the boiler tomorrow. Quick! You need the phlegmy excuse that comes with Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionay! Yes, Dr' Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary! Ask for it, while steadying yourself on a handrail, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret WCOM-LP Chapel Hill Carrboro (abridged version).

Fish Bits...

This chocolate wang doodle is brought to you by Fish Bits! The finest fishmongers in the world have gathered their most essential leavings into a sumptuous, aromatic pile of innards and appendages that we graciously allow poor people to eat. Come round the back of the cannery after flushing hours to purchase fine, mostly edible, baby ready Fish Bits. Fish Bits! If you find an eyeball, make a wish!

And!!!!!! Like any red-blooded gentleman of leisure, you enjoy the civilized entertainment of watching animals fight. Why wouldn't you? However, until now, you were limited to the common chicken and boring bear. Never fear, sports fan! The Creature Combat Arena will BLOW YOUR MIND with a dazzling array of unique fauna free-for-alls. Join us Monday for Crossed Zebras, Tuesday - Narwhal Face Fighting, Wednesday - New England Clam Pounder, Thursday - Boomslang Boomerang Bombadier Boulderdash and Friday - The Sleepy Panda Slapfight. The Creature Combat Arena! We truly are terrible people.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret eclipses the sun, casting a shadow over the seaside town of Wadswallop, signaling the rise of Phong and the new OH MY GOD THIS IS TOO LONG WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro and there, I'm done with that.

Shank Street Unpleasant Used & Rare Books...

This uproarious ubiquity is brought to you by Shank Street Unpleasant Used & Rare Books. Stop by our dimly lit and unexplainably damp bookstore to peruse and purchase our seething collection of hideous books on any number of uncomfortable topics to include: The Organ Slappers Field Guide, Neighbor Spotting, A Picture Book of Unfortunate Clowns, Hobo Tagging, The Ladies Way to Choke Things, and How to Make a Dog Vomit part the first. Shank Street Unpleasant Used & Rare Books: You know you, at least, want to look.

And! Radio has revolutionized the way we listen to the news, entertainment and peoples. Perhaps, though this easily accessible medium, available any time, day or later that day, has dulled our minds and hastened our descent into godless moral decrepitude. Perhaps you, like us, yearn for simpler days when a loud man with nothing better to do would scream news and celebrity gossip at no one in particular. Join us then at Plumbob's Institute of Yelling. Take classes on proper modulation, ranging from bombastic to shrill, practice news gathering by hiding behind a hedge and discover your own talent for yellitorial management. Soon you too will join a rewarding, fast paced career in bellowing things like CAT FIGHTS MONKEY, NATIONAL OUTRAGE DECLARED. Plumbob's Institute of Yelling; FINANCIAL AID AVAILABLE!

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret steps off the curb, far too late for Geoffrey to lay down his coat over the WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, and subsequently Geoffrey was arrested by the Gentlemen Police.

Low-Powered Utility Pistols...

This crunchy what-not is brought to you by Low-Powered Utility Pistols. The Gun. A powerful expression of thinly veiled masculine symbolism that kills dudes. Its capacity for non-death purposes, however, is lacking, leaving many situations without the loud, violent emphasis they sorely need. Enter our Low-Powered Utility Pistols. Use it for pointing at interesting birds, indicating which cough syrup you'd like to purchase, tell a stranger how to get to the train station and point at hiding children. A small indicatory pellet will tink elegntly against the object, person or event in which you are interested. How do we distinguish ourselves from the layman's pellet gun? Ours feature an authentically manly explosion and a room filling cloud of sulpherous smoke. Low-Powered Utility Pistol. I want the pink one! BANG!

And! Suffering from a hideous tooth abcess, you wander into the sculpture garden when, out of a concrete vase, you receive to the face the full impact of a comprehensive dental exam! Yes! It's the Honeycutt Office of Surprise Dentistry! Why sit in dread of an appointment weeks away when you can just unexpectedly get it over with? Simply leave your information and a rough schedule of your comings and goings with us, and our oral detectives will monitor you constantly, always on guard for the first sign of mouth troubles. When the time is right, we will medically strike and the hopefully anesthetic trauma you will receive will remove not only your sense of security but the corn chip from your molar. The Honeycutt Office of Surprise Dentistry. Now spit.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is going to bed without supper for pulling the pigtails on WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which is just as well, because we forgot to buy food for it, anyway.

Moongoat Constellation Tibetan Buddhist Kale Barn...

This is the WCOM Community Radio Bulletin Board bringing you the happenings and doings from across Carrboro and Chapel Hill.

The Moongoat Constellation Tibetan Buddhist Kale Barn will be hosting a seminar on raising a child with three parents; you, your long-term domestic partner and your guru. Topics will include homogeneous diapers, therapeutic sing-screaming for toddlers, and the proper care and grooming of your live-in spiritual advisor. For more information, contact Tai-Chi/Capoeira hybrid artist, Bruce Thomas, on the lawn of the Weaver Street Cooperative Market pretty much all of the time. He cries at birds... It's beautiful.

Also, the Happy Valley Holistic Veterinary Hospice would like to remind Mary Wolsten to come pick up her puppy. When we said he went to a better place, we just meant he went out to use our organic wheat-grass dog lavatory poop patch... Our bad.

Spira Pilates Studio would like to remind its patrons that it is a Pilates studio and not a BDSM dungeon, so please stop calling, Ducky. Five times is enough and we really have to stop.

Don't forget to tune in next Saturday at 4:30 for our new noize show called (MAKE FUNNY NOISE) at 4:30, remember, this Saturday. You'll hear the next Beatles on there. Really provoking after 45 minutes.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret plays the best selection of feel good, awesome fuzzy music on WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, except when we don't. Because it's okay to be different. Even if you're music. Think about it. C'mon. Yes.

Quality Face Weights...

This whimsical conceit is brought to you by Quality Face Weights. As you, the well-heeled gentleman, knows a perfectly constructed mug full of acceptably groomed facial hair, properly buttressed with pomades and load-bearing salves can weigh in excess of thirty to forty pounds. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. Without a good foundation, this socially complete profile coiffure will lead to drop jowls, flop chin, flibbity lips and the perma-frowns. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. Quality Face Weights fit into you convenient face-holes and once you follow the comprehensive exercise instructions contained in the package sack, you will develop a steel web of muscles that may threaten to accidentally crush your own skull, but will definitely support a mighty Van Dyke, actually capable of holding back tides. As an added bonus, your labial trough will be able to crack walnuts, providing you with the quick burst of energy necessary to sport chin whiskers that could double as as pigeon roost. Quality Face Weights, the only answer for a ridiculous mustache.

AND! The Little Hopmister Valley in the Green Down Past the Red House Where that Old Man Used to Live Community Theater Company and Catering presents the all-children production of Madame Butterfly, debuting this Thursday in your nightmares.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is the sole survivor of the wreck of the Edmund Fitz WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, and God rest the souls of all those other radio shows that drowned that terrible day.

GIANT FLOATING HEAD...

This hunk-a chunk-a monkey fun is brought to you by GIANT FLOATING HEAD. Delivered by means of ultra-effective spiritual seance, GIANT FLOATING HEAD is the answer to all prayers, pleadings, cries and curses. Future loves, impending fortunes, the date of your death, the date of your orphan birth, the number of children you'll have, the number of the apartment you lost, dead relatives, apathetic relatives, dead apathetic relatives; GIANT FLOATING HEAD delivers ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ACCURATE revelations directly into the space behind your eyeballs. THE ANSWER SPACE. GIANT FLOATING HEAD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AND! Make friends with pudding. Pudding, the friend maker.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret sends a long, mournful call down valley and dell to call in the flocks of Highland WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Do you know why that goatherd is lonely? Goat smell.

Discount Orphan Emporium...

This calamitous carbuncle is brought to you by the Discount Orphan Emporium. Labor costs and moral standards prevent your business from achieving maximum profitability, so why not take a bushel of our social burdens and armed bucket of soggy burden, keep your coal dust factory operating around the clock. These wards of the state lost the public's sympathy with their parents so ethical workplaces fly out the window and huge sacks of filthy lucre fly right back in! Discount Orphan Emporium - sorry, we're all out of radio show hosts.

And! DO NOT! be swayed by tempting offers of contracting the Noro virus this season. Stick with the nausea you know. Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary. Ask for it, through flecks of blood tinged spittle, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret cracks open tomes of dusty lore and discovers eldritch lore that tears the very fabric of WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, and now that we've done that, we'll have to find another way to let the rain out. Seriously though, this is why you shouldn't read.

Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters...

This shipload of subsequent folly is brought to you by Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters. Do you hate children? We do. But your parents are arriving soon and, with gin-soaked confidence, you angrily announced you had suddenly produced grandchildren somehow. Your home, however, is a pristine example of mature housekeeping, untouched by the vile taint of pre-adolescence. Never fear! Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters will tear apart your front garden and, with the leavings and stains create a lurid tableau that only the diseased mind of a toddler could conceive; a fetid tapestry of embarassing child-rearing mistakes and uncomfortably painted questions of adult nature as only wretched tykes are capable of excreting onto your nice white walls. As imaginary grandsires, your parents will no doubt find this adorable. Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters: don't worry, if they ask where the children are, say you sold them. PROBLEM SOLVED!

Also! You've imbibed everything in your chemistry set to take on a fell palor, knocked out a seemly number of teeth to render your grin appropriately dire, and done ungentlemanly things to every man, woman and creature that couldn't escape your clawing grave dirt caked fingernails. So, why do the police snicker at your tauniting telegrams!?! Because you don't have BIG FURRY LAPELS! Dapper bloodsuckers and hideous mad men all know that BIG FURRY LAPELS! are the warm and fuzzy mark of distinction in villainy.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret descends on London-town choking the alleys with a cloying yellow miasma that brings naught but WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Oh, and cholera. Also that.