Quality Face Weights...

This whimsical conceit is brought to you by Quality Face Weights. As you, the well-heeled gentleman, knows a perfectly constructed mug full of acceptably groomed facial hair, properly buttressed with pomades and load-bearing salves can weigh in excess of thirty to forty pounds. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. Without a good foundation, this socially complete profile coiffure will lead to drop jowls, flop chin, flibbity lips and the perma-frowns. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. Quality Face Weights fit into you convenient face-holes and once you follow the comprehensive exercise instructions contained in the package sack, you will develop a steel web of muscles that may threaten to accidentally crush your own skull, but will definitely support a mighty Van Dyke, actually capable of holding back tides. As an added bonus, your labial trough will be able to crack walnuts, providing you with the quick burst of energy necessary to sport chin whiskers that could double as as pigeon roost. Quality Face Weights, the only answer for a ridiculous mustache.

AND! The Little Hopmister Valley in the Green Down Past the Red House Where that Old Man Used to Live Community Theater Company and Catering presents the all-children production of Madame Butterfly, debuting this Thursday in your nightmares.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is the sole survivor of the wreck of the Edmund Fitz WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, and God rest the souls of all those other radio shows that drowned that terrible day.

GIANT FLOATING HEAD...

This hunk-a chunk-a monkey fun is brought to you by GIANT FLOATING HEAD. Delivered by means of ultra-effective spiritual seance, GIANT FLOATING HEAD is the answer to all prayers, pleadings, cries and curses. Future loves, impending fortunes, the date of your death, the date of your orphan birth, the number of children you'll have, the number of the apartment you lost, dead relatives, apathetic relatives, dead apathetic relatives; GIANT FLOATING HEAD delivers ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ACCURATE revelations directly into the space behind your eyeballs. THE ANSWER SPACE. GIANT FLOATING HEAD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AND! Make friends with pudding. Pudding, the friend maker.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret sends a long, mournful call down valley and dell to call in the flocks of Highland WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Do you know why that goatherd is lonely? Goat smell.

Discount Orphan Emporium...

This calamitous carbuncle is brought to you by the Discount Orphan Emporium. Labor costs and moral standards prevent your business from achieving maximum profitability, so why not take a bushel of our social burdens and armed bucket of soggy burden, keep your coal dust factory operating around the clock. These wards of the state lost the public's sympathy with their parents so ethical workplaces fly out the window and huge sacks of filthy lucre fly right back in! Discount Orphan Emporium - sorry, we're all out of radio show hosts.

And! DO NOT! be swayed by tempting offers of contracting the Noro virus this season. Stick with the nausea you know. Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary. Ask for it, through flecks of blood tinged spittle, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret cracks open tomes of dusty lore and discovers eldritch lore that tears the very fabric of WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, and now that we've done that, we'll have to find another way to let the rain out. Seriously though, this is why you shouldn't read.

Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters...

This shipload of subsequent folly is brought to you by Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters. Do you hate children? We do. But your parents are arriving soon and, with gin-soaked confidence, you angrily announced you had suddenly produced grandchildren somehow. Your home, however, is a pristine example of mature housekeeping, untouched by the vile taint of pre-adolescence. Never fear! Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters will tear apart your front garden and, with the leavings and stains create a lurid tableau that only the diseased mind of a toddler could conceive; a fetid tapestry of embarassing child-rearing mistakes and uncomfortably painted questions of adult nature as only wretched tykes are capable of excreting onto your nice white walls. As imaginary grandsires, your parents will no doubt find this adorable. Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters: don't worry, if they ask where the children are, say you sold them. PROBLEM SOLVED!

Also! You've imbibed everything in your chemistry set to take on a fell palor, knocked out a seemly number of teeth to render your grin appropriately dire, and done ungentlemanly things to every man, woman and creature that couldn't escape your clawing grave dirt caked fingernails. So, why do the police snicker at your tauniting telegrams!?! Because you don't have BIG FURRY LAPELS! Dapper bloodsuckers and hideous mad men all know that BIG FURRY LAPELS! are the warm and fuzzy mark of distinction in villainy.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret descends on London-town choking the alleys with a cloying yellow miasma that brings naught but WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Oh, and cholera. Also that.

Whale Balm...

This modern marvel is brought to you by Whale Balm. Swimming through the salty brine and accumulating barnacles can seriously impair your cetacean's moisturizing regiment, so why not order a 50,000 gallon tub of Whale Balm. Massage it in flippers and brush it into balleen, and your whale will .. in delight. WHALE BALM! Not to be confused with Whale Bomb.

And! The Extrapolated Etherized Positronic Fully Articulated Piston-Powered Lightly Powdered Expertly Routed Prim Proper Wang Dang Doodle Whiz Bang Whatzit. What does it do? Who cares! Simply speak the name aloud and you are 100% guaranteed to generate a smattering of light applause. The Extrapolated Etherized Positronic Fully Articulated Piston-Powered Lightly Powdered Expertly Routed Prim Proper Wang Dang Doodle Whiz Bang Whatzit! Please, do not ask for it by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret finds itself spiraling away from a connection with stark reality and can only find solace at the bottom of a bottle of WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro.

Sextant St. Sextant's Mood-Setting Real Estate...

This utterance of delight is brought to you by Sextant St. Sextant's Mood-Setting Real Estate. Are you a soul-searching poet of somber disposition looking for a location necessary to morbid reflection? Are you a stoic professor of criminology in need of a home ripe with the ptential for intriguing calamity? We have the location for you! Skeletal tree on a mist-shrouded hill? We got it! Rickety shutters that clutter in a baleful wind? There they are! The hounds? You can't stop us from loosing them! From creaking floorboards to inaccessible attics, every property is guaranteed to amuse, inspre and forebode. Sextant St. Sextant's Mood-Setting Real Estate. There's a foog on the mooorrrs! And it could be yours!

And! Uncle Howard will be drinking, Auntie Maude will be shrieking & two score of ill-bred children will be squirming underfoot. Yes, soon the holidays will arrive and with them will come your relations, somehow detached from the manners that you were naturally graced with by God. So why not act early and order, rush delivery, the Yuletide Edition of Lady Haversham's Behavior-Correcting Phrenology Hammer. Why, even the sight of you, with a glass of gin in one hand and ten pounds of polite reminder of civil discourse in the other will stifle all but the most obstinate of cousins. Lady Haversham's Behavior-Correcting Phrenology Hammer! Also, for use with chestnuts!

As Always, the Clockwork Cabaret hangs its stockings by the chimney with care, in the hopes that St. Nick would soon be WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Boy, those sugarplum fairies are fat as hell!

Potomus Farms' Self-Delivery Whirlybird...

This showcade of interest is brought to you by Potomus Farms' Self-Delivery Whirlybird. The holiday season is a sressful and maddening time for even the most matronly of homemakers, so this Christmas time, why not let Potomus Farms prepare and deliver you a delicious autonomously delivered fowl of your choosing. Simply clear a ten foot landing area on your dining surface, prepare an impact cushion of stuffing, then using the signal whistle received in the post, tweetle out of your open window. A high pitched screech and mildly explosive collision will let you know your carefully prepared, hopefully deceased Yuletide repast has arrived. What could be more convenient!?! Potomus Farms' Self-Delivery Whirlybird. LOOK OUT! Here it comes!

And! Ephraim Shroud's Mystery Jars of Formaldehyde & Various Fiddly Organ Bits. Put them in your laboratory with some tasteful back-lighting, and you tell the world that you're not going to let unmedicated psychosis get in the way of electrocuting things in the name of science. Ephraim Shroud's Mystery Jars of Formaldehyde & Various Fiddly Organ Bits. Ask for them, if you can remember all that, by name!

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret tramples an indecisive housewife at the shops to get their grubby mitts on the perfect WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. the gift that's great for the man who has everything except a sense of propriety.