Low-Powered Utility Pistols...

This crunchy what-not is brought to you by Low-Powered Utility Pistols. The Gun. A powerful expression of thinly veiled masculine symbolism that kills dudes. Its capacity for non-death purposes, however, is lacking, leaving many situations without the loud, violent emphasis they sorely need. Enter our Low-Powered Utility Pistols. Use it for pointing at interesting birds, indicating which cough syrup you'd like to purchase, tell a stranger how to get to the train station and point at hiding children. A small indicatory pellet will tink elegntly against the object, person or event in which you are interested. How do we distinguish ourselves from the layman's pellet gun? Ours feature an authentically manly explosion and a room filling cloud of sulpherous smoke. Low-Powered Utility Pistol. I want the pink one! BANG!

And! Suffering from a hideous tooth abcess, you wander into the sculpture garden when, out of a concrete vase, you receive to the face the full impact of a comprehensive dental exam! Yes! It's the Honeycutt Office of Surprise Dentistry! Why sit in dread of an appointment weeks away when you can just unexpectedly get it over with? Simply leave your information and a rough schedule of your comings and goings with us, and our oral detectives will monitor you constantly, always on guard for the first sign of mouth troubles. When the time is right, we will medically strike and the hopefully anesthetic trauma you will receive will remove not only your sense of security but the corn chip from your molar. The Honeycutt Office of Surprise Dentistry. Now spit.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is going to bed without supper for pulling the pigtails on WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which is just as well, because we forgot to buy food for it, anyway.

Moongoat Constellation Tibetan Buddhist Kale Barn...

This is the WCOM Community Radio Bulletin Board bringing you the happenings and doings from across Carrboro and Chapel Hill.

The Moongoat Constellation Tibetan Buddhist Kale Barn will be hosting a seminar on raising a child with three parents; you, your long-term domestic partner and your guru. Topics will include homogeneous diapers, therapeutic sing-screaming for toddlers, and the proper care and grooming of your live-in spiritual advisor. For more information, contact Tai-Chi/Capoeira hybrid artist, Bruce Thomas, on the lawn of the Weaver Street Cooperative Market pretty much all of the time. He cries at birds... It's beautiful.

Also, the Happy Valley Holistic Veterinary Hospice would like to remind Mary Wolsten to come pick up her puppy. When we said he went to a better place, we just meant he went out to use our organic wheat-grass dog lavatory poop patch... Our bad.

Spira Pilates Studio would like to remind its patrons that it is a Pilates studio and not a BDSM dungeon, so please stop calling, Ducky. Five times is enough and we really have to stop.

Don't forget to tune in next Saturday at 4:30 for our new noize show called (MAKE FUNNY NOISE) at 4:30, remember, this Saturday. You'll hear the next Beatles on there. Really provoking after 45 minutes.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret plays the best selection of feel good, awesome fuzzy music on WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, except when we don't. Because it's okay to be different. Even if you're music. Think about it. C'mon. Yes.

Quality Face Weights...

This whimsical conceit is brought to you by Quality Face Weights. As you, the well-heeled gentleman, knows a perfectly constructed mug full of acceptably groomed facial hair, properly buttressed with pomades and load-bearing salves can weigh in excess of thirty to forty pounds. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. Without a good foundation, this socially complete profile coiffure will lead to drop jowls, flop chin, flibbity lips and the perma-frowns. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. Quality Face Weights fit into you convenient face-holes and once you follow the comprehensive exercise instructions contained in the package sack, you will develop a steel web of muscles that may threaten to accidentally crush your own skull, but will definitely support a mighty Van Dyke, actually capable of holding back tides. As an added bonus, your labial trough will be able to crack walnuts, providing you with the quick burst of energy necessary to sport chin whiskers that could double as as pigeon roost. Quality Face Weights, the only answer for a ridiculous mustache.

AND! The Little Hopmister Valley in the Green Down Past the Red House Where that Old Man Used to Live Community Theater Company and Catering presents the all-children production of Madame Butterfly, debuting this Thursday in your nightmares.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is the sole survivor of the wreck of the Edmund Fitz WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, and God rest the souls of all those other radio shows that drowned that terrible day.

GIANT FLOATING HEAD...

This hunk-a chunk-a monkey fun is brought to you by GIANT FLOATING HEAD. Delivered by means of ultra-effective spiritual seance, GIANT FLOATING HEAD is the answer to all prayers, pleadings, cries and curses. Future loves, impending fortunes, the date of your death, the date of your orphan birth, the number of children you'll have, the number of the apartment you lost, dead relatives, apathetic relatives, dead apathetic relatives; GIANT FLOATING HEAD delivers ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ACCURATE revelations directly into the space behind your eyeballs. THE ANSWER SPACE. GIANT FLOATING HEAD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AND! Make friends with pudding. Pudding, the friend maker.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret sends a long, mournful call down valley and dell to call in the flocks of Highland WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Do you know why that goatherd is lonely? Goat smell.

Discount Orphan Emporium...

This calamitous carbuncle is brought to you by the Discount Orphan Emporium. Labor costs and moral standards prevent your business from achieving maximum profitability, so why not take a bushel of our social burdens and armed bucket of soggy burden, keep your coal dust factory operating around the clock. These wards of the state lost the public's sympathy with their parents so ethical workplaces fly out the window and huge sacks of filthy lucre fly right back in! Discount Orphan Emporium - sorry, we're all out of radio show hosts.

And! DO NOT! be swayed by tempting offers of contracting the Noro virus this season. Stick with the nausea you know. Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary. Ask for it, through flecks of blood tinged spittle, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret cracks open tomes of dusty lore and discovers eldritch lore that tears the very fabric of WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, and now that we've done that, we'll have to find another way to let the rain out. Seriously though, this is why you shouldn't read.

Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters...

This shipload of subsequent folly is brought to you by Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters. Do you hate children? We do. But your parents are arriving soon and, with gin-soaked confidence, you angrily announced you had suddenly produced grandchildren somehow. Your home, however, is a pristine example of mature housekeeping, untouched by the vile taint of pre-adolescence. Never fear! Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters will tear apart your front garden and, with the leavings and stains create a lurid tableau that only the diseased mind of a toddler could conceive; a fetid tapestry of embarassing child-rearing mistakes and uncomfortably painted questions of adult nature as only wretched tykes are capable of excreting onto your nice white walls. As imaginary grandsires, your parents will no doubt find this adorable. Rubio & Sons' House Handpainters: don't worry, if they ask where the children are, say you sold them. PROBLEM SOLVED!

Also! You've imbibed everything in your chemistry set to take on a fell palor, knocked out a seemly number of teeth to render your grin appropriately dire, and done ungentlemanly things to every man, woman and creature that couldn't escape your clawing grave dirt caked fingernails. So, why do the police snicker at your tauniting telegrams!?! Because you don't have BIG FURRY LAPELS! Dapper bloodsuckers and hideous mad men all know that BIG FURRY LAPELS! are the warm and fuzzy mark of distinction in villainy.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret descends on London-town choking the alleys with a cloying yellow miasma that brings naught but WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Oh, and cholera. Also that.

Whale Balm...

This modern marvel is brought to you by Whale Balm. Swimming through the salty brine and accumulating barnacles can seriously impair your cetacean's moisturizing regiment, so why not order a 50,000 gallon tub of Whale Balm. Massage it in flippers and brush it into balleen, and your whale will .. in delight. WHALE BALM! Not to be confused with Whale Bomb.

And! The Extrapolated Etherized Positronic Fully Articulated Piston-Powered Lightly Powdered Expertly Routed Prim Proper Wang Dang Doodle Whiz Bang Whatzit. What does it do? Who cares! Simply speak the name aloud and you are 100% guaranteed to generate a smattering of light applause. The Extrapolated Etherized Positronic Fully Articulated Piston-Powered Lightly Powdered Expertly Routed Prim Proper Wang Dang Doodle Whiz Bang Whatzit! Please, do not ask for it by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret finds itself spiraling away from a connection with stark reality and can only find solace at the bottom of a bottle of WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro.