West Trolley Nominal ReAssignment Agency...

This symphonic sweetie num-nums is brought to you by the West Trolley Nominal ReAssignment Agency. Perhaps you are bored with the simply plebeian name free of embellishment and pizazz, something yawn-worthy like John or Lacy or Douglas. "No more!" say the creative gentlemen of the West Trolly Nominal ReAssignment Agency. Doors will open, fortunes will flow, and dorma will pause momentarily when you are introduced as 'William Cubbibutton' or as 'Lord Snausage' or 'Petunia Foldarole'. Yes, once your name smacks of selling something on this show, your meteoric rise throw the social strata will cause your previous betters to throw themselves clear of the blast and having been stunned applaud lightly. The West Trolley Nominal ReAssignment Agency... sure, you could think of a better name, yourself...

And, PUPPIES! Feeling down, a bit depressed? Plans ruined? Tea party in disarray? Simply pick up one puppy and apply liberally to face, then sit back until the dosage takes affect. Using puppies more than once may result in unbearable bahdorableness. Puppies! Baaow.

Also available in kittens.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret grabs their partner dosey-doe, dance real fast, and now go WCOM -LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which also hopes that Emmett will feel better soon and is busily preparing a chicken soup bath for her, as we speak.

Busby Healthcare Energy Tonic...

This eardrum speed-boxing is brought to you by the Busby Healthcare Energy Tonic. Yawning at your shovel? Behind on your rowing? Falling asleep on the coach & subsequently being unable to find your way out of your own bustle? Imbibe now please the Busby Healthcare Energy Tonic. Made from medicinal treacle, this specially fermented potion will have you up and across the warehouse floor, breezing through your 20 hour shift in no time. The Busby Healthcare Energy Tonic: We really hope you don't have anything to do tomorrow!

And! The fall is here. The sun is setting earlier behind Olympus Mons, the choking rust-colored sandstorms have an especial chill and, you, fierce & gelatinous tyrant, are preparing for another invasion of your pleasant blue neighbor. The Obsidian Fortress of Disease Control reminds you to get innoculated with the Human Flu Vaccine before you climb into your tripod this kill-season. Please, if not for yourself, get treated for the sake of your precious egg-sacs.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret responds in a daze to the irresistible clarion call of the dread underground dwelling WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which would like to remind you that it's okay to be different. Just stop strangling the mailman, please.

Garfunkles Carbunkle Debunkler...

This sponsorship ad was sent to us by Andrew Horton of Salisbury, Wiltshire, England

This perpetual birthday extravaganza is brought to you by Garfunkles Carbunkle Debunkler. Carbunkle debunking your funk? Steampunk unpunked by the backside carbunk? LOOK NO FURTHER!! Garfunkles patented (probably) Carbunkle Debunkler will debunkle the toughest of carbunkles with a flick of the wrist....

BUT WAIT - What's this!? Carbunkles back in? Everyone in London sporting the rear end rellishes again!? Don't be left out because of hasty debunkling with: Garfunkles Carbunkle ReBunkler - simply apply the special pomade and unflick that wrist for an instantly rebunkled derrier - returned to its orginal pleasing shape, texture and odour. Now that's bunkle-tastic...

Buy now and we'll throw in Garfunkles Fauxbunkles - will fool even the best trained physicians into believing you're as carbunkled as the rest of old London town without any of the commitment of genuine Carbunkling. Don't take my word for it, try it yourselves! Garfunkles Carbunkle Emporium, 86 Lower Street, London.

Madame Ululate's 'Good & Proper Word-tionary'...

This week's sponsors were read by Klaude Davenport, as it's my birthday week & I don't work on this joyous occasion.

This week's Phineas philled bonanza-palooza is brought to you by Madame Ululate's 'Good & Proper Word-tionary' Madame Ululate's 'Good & Proper Word-tionary' is a word filled compendium for those of us who find a regular "dictionary" too full of unnecessarily crass nouns & verbs. Madame Ululate has painstakingly culled a list of offensive words, mostly based on the recently published copy of Phineas P. Moneyload's "My Favorite Best Words". The good & proper dictionary removes such offenses as "dictionary", flatulence, balderdash, bum, waggle slap, turgid, pestilence, plop, loo, flaccid, and Thor's Hammer.

As always this week's thirty year horror has beaten egg, milk, sugar & flour together before baking for 25 minutes, cooling, covering with a sugar & lard paste, and crammed full of candles which spell out WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro - and also spelling Happy Birthday, Phineas P. Moneyload, Rogue Financier!

And that's why The Clockwork Cabaret blows out a fire alarm every darn time we celebrate a birthday.

Ducole Company...

This one hundred percent biodegradable product is brought to you by Ducky of the Ducole Company. Thanks for being born! That was real big of ya!

And! Straight from the runways of the Parisian fashion world come this season's must have compartmental accessory. Whether you toss it over your shoulder, strap it to your waist or balance it precariously on your bustle; be you man, woman, child, manimal or robot approximation of any of the above; you, too, must have a Duchy Bag! Bearing this ostentatious ornament, people will see you mincing down the street and proclaim,"Wow, look at that Duchy bag." It's guaranteed! Also, available in Side-Mounting Hipster Duchy Bag.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret begins to gather nuts and berries in preparation for a long, terrible WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which would like to remind you that, yes, this was written on a napkin. A LEGALLY-BINDING NAPKIN!!

Marcel Moreau's 'Guilt-Free Live Fur Coats'...

This sea worthy sound factory is brought to you by Marcel Moreau's 'Guilt-Free Live Fur Coats'. Surely you are aware of the pitiful plight of the poor ermine or the doomed rabbit? Destined to become the height of fashion, likewise you wish to look amazing come the winter and rightly think of fake fur as something poor people & the insane wear. Worry no longer! Thanks to the latest advances in veterinary surgery techniques, you can remain appropriately fabulous while living free from the despair of exterminating cute fuzzies. How!?! By wearing your fur while they're still alive! Marcel Moreau's 'Guilt-Free Live Fur Coats' provide warmth & style while their jolly wriggling and inhuman squeals are guaranteed to start conversations and discourage muggers. Don't get caught in the House of Plain! By a 'Guilt Free Live Fur Coat' today!

And, Ladies... lean back on your chaise lounge and loosen your corset, pull up your skirts, no, we won't tell your aunt, that your ankles are showing. Come the stroke of midnight the sitting room doors will slide open and there will appear your new lover, gleaming from a fresh polish and belching coal smoke, whispering into your ear,"YOUR EYES ARE LIKE LIMPID POOLS OF .. PLEASE REINSERT DISK." Millard Morefill, Robot Gigolo - His heart is aflame with passion, his face is aflame with faulty wiring.

And, as always, The Clockwork Cabaret slides into the cannon and then following a drum roll, it is expelled with explosive force into WCOM FM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which would like to remind you... LONDON.

Quality Quarter Farthings...

This comely sonic strumpet is brought to you by Quality Quarter Farthings. Your compatriots in the fast expanding past-time of cycling look dandy on their machines, but you cannot be expected to conform to their piddling peddling height. Enter the Quality Quarter Farthing. With a front wheel fully 25 times the size of a prole's penny farthing, you will instantly gain attention as you glide past, towering over your compatriots, street signs, most trees and select buildings. Additionally, everyone will marvel at your incredible wealth as it will largely be consumed by the wages required by the servants necessary to get you off and careening. Quality Quarter Farthings: Good Luck?

AND!! Gin! First it was for the poor, now the gentleman asks for more! Gin: finally, something to look forward to.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret stands ready to charge across Crimea into the waiting cannon of WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. But don't fret, the cannon are just waiting for a coach to go visit Grandma-ma.