Butterscotch Mills Creepy Doll Company...

This labyrinthine folderall is brought to you by Butterscotch Mills Creepy Doll Company. Our expert team of deranged spinsters handcraft an unnerving selection using a variety of quality bits and pieces found in witch attics. Thom Yorke-style assymetrically blinking eyes, tiny fist half-clenched in tepid anger, missing shoes and carefully distressed voice boxes that moan "MA MA" right before you fall asleep. Al these and many more vintage terrors await when your delivery arrives from the Butterscotch Mills Creepy Doll Company. Don't worry; they probably won't come to life.

And! The pollen is subsidized, the temperature is stabilizing and snotty toddlers have all wandered to the sandbox. You, however, are fairly certain the engineer is going to make you use your mouth to spit the coal into the boiler tomorrow. Quick! You need the phlegmy excuse that comes with Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionay! Yes, Dr' Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary! Ask for it, while steadying yourself on a handrail, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret WCOM-LP Chapel Hill Carrboro (abridged version).

Fish Bits...

This chocolate wang doodle is brought to you by Fish Bits! The finest fishmongers in the world have gathered their most essential leavings into a sumptuous, aromatic pile of innards and appendages that we graciously allow poor people to eat. Come round the back of the cannery after flushing hours to purchase fine, mostly edible, baby ready Fish Bits. Fish Bits! If you find an eyeball, make a wish!

And!!!!!! Like any red-blooded gentleman of leisure, you enjoy the civilized entertainment of watching animals fight. Why wouldn't you? However, until now, you were limited to the common chicken and boring bear. Never fear, sports fan! The Creature Combat Arena will BLOW YOUR MIND with a dazzling array of unique fauna free-for-alls. Join us Monday for Crossed Zebras, Tuesday - Narwhal Face Fighting, Wednesday - New England Clam Pounder, Thursday - Boomslang Boomerang Bombadier Boulderdash and Friday - The Sleepy Panda Slapfight. The Creature Combat Arena! We truly are terrible people.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret eclipses the sun, casting a shadow over the seaside town of Wadswallop, signaling the rise of Phong and the new OH MY GOD THIS IS TOO LONG WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro and there, I'm done with that.

Shank Street Unpleasant Used & Rare Books...

This uproarious ubiquity is brought to you by Shank Street Unpleasant Used & Rare Books. Stop by our dimly lit and unexplainably damp bookstore to peruse and purchase our seething collection of hideous books on any number of uncomfortable topics to include: The Organ Slappers Field Guide, Neighbor Spotting, A Picture Book of Unfortunate Clowns, Hobo Tagging, The Ladies Way to Choke Things, and How to Make a Dog Vomit part the first. Shank Street Unpleasant Used & Rare Books: You know you, at least, want to look.

And! Radio has revolutionized the way we listen to the news, entertainment and peoples. Perhaps, though this easily accessible medium, available any time, day or later that day, has dulled our minds and hastened our descent into godless moral decrepitude. Perhaps you, like us, yearn for simpler days when a loud man with nothing better to do would scream news and celebrity gossip at no one in particular. Join us then at Plumbob's Institute of Yelling. Take classes on proper modulation, ranging from bombastic to shrill, practice news gathering by hiding behind a hedge and discover your own talent for yellitorial management. Soon you too will join a rewarding, fast paced career in bellowing things like CAT FIGHTS MONKEY, NATIONAL OUTRAGE DECLARED. Plumbob's Institute of Yelling; FINANCIAL AID AVAILABLE!

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret steps off the curb, far too late for Geoffrey to lay down his coat over the WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, and subsequently Geoffrey was arrested by the Gentlemen Police.