The Triple Bottom City Council Forcible Temperance League

This fraggle snaggle whipsnap crackerjack is brought to you by the Triple Bottom City Council Forcible Temperance League. Your muncipality is overrun by the foul fiend that leads men astray and women to gladly accept this; the horrible specter that both destroys families and makes them more tolerable; the stygian goatlord that makes dull conversations inescapable and bar tabs incalcuable. DEMON RUM! ALCOHOL! THE TEMPTRESS BOOZE! What can you do to stop this flood of depravity that's sure to drown the good, God-fearing, terminably boring people of YOUR town? Normally, a gang of sour faced spinsters would take axes to the sin barrels of your hell-taverns, releasing the townsfolk from degradation and fun. The Triple Bottom City Council Forcible Temperance League goes ONE STEP FURTHER. From behind bushes, they will spring, punching the potential gins from the guts of tipsy passers-by! Tumbling from trellises, they strike, smashing the bottles of obviously alcoholic babies, the filthiest of drunkards! A manhole explodes from the street and a gang of black clad special operations grandmothers, armed with bottle openers, dismantle a still like piranhas on a limping tourist! This is your fate! This is your future! Free of booze, full of terror, it's the Triple Bottom City Council Forcible Temperance League! HIYAAH!

And! The leaves are turning, the days are waning and your lungs are filling with the sort of viscous ichor that normally fights Conan the Barbarian at the bottom of a temple pit. Get a head start on the melee with Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary! Ask for it, steadying yourself on a handrail, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret winds her way up the stairs of the lighthouse to light the beacon, calling home her wayward sailor from tempest tossed seas, but she well knows that his life, his love and his lady is the WCOM LP Chapel HIll & Carrboro. Oh Mandy, you're a fine girl, but I'd rather hang out with a bunch of dudes in the middle of nowhere.

The Wonderous Telemaphone

This frazzled go-getter is brought to you by the Wonderous Telemaphone! Move over, Bell! Shove it, Marconi! Get lost, Farnsworth! The most amazing advancement in communication and long distance entertainment is here! IN YOUR FACE! RIGHT! NOW! Pick up the cast-iron receiver and call ANYONE FOR ANY REASON! Long lost relatives? Ask them for money! Displaced children? Tell them to remain so! Recently deceased? Use them to reserve your room athe Best Western in Purgatory! The Wonderous Telemaphone! You practically have to call your mother now! FOREVER.

And! PANDAS! They aren't good for anything.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret tumbles from the dryer, fresh, fuzzy, cuddly and WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. And, wait 'til you see what we left in the lint trap!

The Prudence Fine, Quality Sausage Stuffers

This pig puckle whack smack is brought to you by the Prudence Fine, Quality Sausage Stuffers! You already know sausage are some kind of splendid. But, must you really settle for the usual pork, poultry and sawdust? Here at Prudence Fine, Quality Sausage Stuffers, our intestine technology ensures that your brat will be bursting with whatever your heart desires! Buffalo? Pretty pedestrian but okay. Ostrich? Okay sure, that's fine. Just think about the possibilities, man. Alligator? Look, never mind, forget it. The Prudence Fine, Quality Sausage Stuffers! PEOPLE, WE WANT YOU TO SAY PEOPLE.

AND! Extra long suspenders from the Brace Place. The only place to get extra long suspenders for fancy pants. Ground, bounce, snap back, get down, go to town, buy some milk, soil your silk, slap your mother boogie jig, the new new golden standard in inappropriate dancing.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret blah blah blah WCOM-LP FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro. IT's BIRTHDAY TIME, ELIZA!

The Bassworks Gear Foundry

This wonder tickle monkey pickle is brought to you by the Bassworks Gear Foundry. The Bassworks Gear Foundry manufactures a wide selection of gears in brass & steel in a variety of ratios for use in the finest of clockwork intricacies to the most powerful of locomotive engines. The Basswork Gear Foundry; what do we care, you're just going to uselessly hot glue them to your shoes, anyway.

And! Corsets for Cats! The perfect pressure tube for your portly pussycat. She can finally show her alternately indifferent & terrified face in public again! Corsets for Cats! Good luck putting it on!

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret kidnaps the school marm and ties her to the WCOM-LP FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which is okay because the Democracy Now people will let her loose in the morning.

Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax

This bubblegum knick-knack is brought to you by Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax. You know dogs... capable companions, loyal friends, unwanted kissers. But, would anyone confuse them for a contributing member of society? No, because they are dumb, old dogs, you silly pants. What to do, then, when you are absolutely certain they would do smashingly at Petunia's Debutante Ball? DOG WAX TO THE RESCUE! Handlbar hound dogs, poodle pompadours, afghan wigs, pug perms, and beagle beehives! Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax will render your dog high class & hopelessly confused! Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax! Now introducing the Lord & Lady Ba-adorable!

And! Explosions! The perfect way to end an awkward pause, startle suspected burglars, liven up a baptismal, end run-on sentences, tickle the underside of BOOM!

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret, after years of hard drinking & consorting with loose women, returns like the prodigal WCOM-LP FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, then claims it forgot its jacket and quickly leaves again.

The Slash & Sew Sail Slicer

Here’s one for all you boat-hungry buccaneers that think that a sword through a sail is the only way to board a ship. Tired of dramatically descending the length of a mainsail only to discover you don’t have a spare? If so, Professor Skyhatch has the solution in the form of the Slash and Sew Sail Slicer. This contemporary cutlass will combine your care-free principals of piracy with much needed precision repair. Simply thrust the blade through canvas and throw yourself towards the deck as per usual. The Slash and Sew Sail Slicer will automatically re-stitch your trail through the fabric and ensure that your stolen vessel is still worth stealing. The Slash and Sew Sail Slicer, thread and spindle sold separately.

And, Edward Brassbuckle, cartographer extraordinaire, invites you to the race of races, the chase of chases, the most daring derby ever witnessed. Winner takes all in this glamorous competition and prospective participants need only pay a petty entrance fee to join the ranks of revelling racers. Simply be the first to cross the Dread Swamp and your name will go down in sporting history. The method of motion is completely at your discretion. Your chosen contraption can hop, plop, stride, stream, spin or saunter. Only actual flight, slave power and time travel are prohibited. Don’t delay! Notify your loved ones, update your Will and join today!

submitted by Simon Fiddlefield

The Constabulary of British Gentlemen's Lip Starch

This emotive imagining is brought to you by The Constabulary of British Gentlemen's Lip Starch. Do emotions get the better of you? Do you find yourself lacking resolve?
The Constabulary of British Gentlemen has a few simple words for you: Keep a stiff upper lip! That’s right folks; a daily application of our patented Lip-Starch is all you need to fool the world into thinking you are a man of substance and character. Regardless of pain, tragedy or familial death, your expression will remain stern and emotionless whilst you quietly weep on the inside. Lip-Starch! You may never smile again.


The Clockwork Cabaret leaps from rooftop to rooftop in hot pursuit of that dastardly villain WCOM 103.5 LP Chapel Hill and Carrboro. But, not to worry, he only attacks on Wednesdays.

submitted by Simon Fiddlefield

The World of Welding brings you Goggles!

Goggles for construction, Goggles for destruction, Goggles when you fear volcanic eruption. They’re worn by platoons with strange pantaloons, and once by a florist that got lost in a forest. There’s red ones, blue ones, green, black and yellow ones.
Some covered with lint, some with a tint and some with a hint of the truly profound.
You can wear them while shopping, hopping or mopping. You can wear them when seen with Sultans and Queens. No need to despair when nothing to wear; simply grab yourself a glamorous pair. All will see and welcome you’ll be, on nights of fashion or intimate passion. Goggles for the grand, Goggles for the great, Goggles for the calm or madly irate. A handy safeguard in any profession. A faithful companion to mankind’s progression. Goggles, forever your friend. Buy Goggles from the World of Welding!

And, you’ve seen the strong-man under the bright stripes and dazzling lights of the Big Top. You’ve marvelled at the bear wrestler, engaged in deadly combat down in the fighting pit. Now you, frail, feeble folks can possess the strength and power of these incredible icons. How, I hear you ask. Ape like strength is just a crunch away with Naboo’s Bollo Biscuits. These tasty treats are made from a traditional recipe passed down from ancient shaman to travelling salesmen. They’re extra sweet, extra chocolaty and provide extra strength when held to the light of the full moon.
Bollo Biscuits! Enjoy with tea.

submitted by Simon Fiddlefield

Dr. Wiseman's Patented Steam O'Matic

Ever feel as though you have to explain steampunk once to often a day? Sick and tired of trying to make main stream idiots like you even less? What you need is Dr. Wiseman's Patented Steam O' Matic! Conveniently designed to look like a top hat, crossed with something from a frankenstein movie, or possibly just one of those things old ladies sit under at the hairdresser!. Just pop the Steam O' Matic on someone's head, and they will instantly not only know what steampunk is, they will love it! Plus, if you call now, we we'll also send you the bonus Brain-Wash-Be-Gone soap, for your new, now slightly Pale and pasty looking fellow Steampunk. AND our patented top-hat-crossed-with-something- from-a-frankenstien-movie-or-possibly-just-one-of-those-things-old-ladies-sit-under-at-the-hairdresser-hat-hair comb!

Side affects may include: A strange desire to tune the radio in to WCOM 103.5FM Carrboro/Chapel Hill at 11pm every Monday, and the refusal to drink anything but tea. The Steam O' Matic has not yet been FDA approved.

submitted by Captain Jack Havock

The Lab of Dr. Von Blaster

TRAVELERS!!!! Weary of horse and buggy traffic? Is the schedule of your local train depot not reliable? Do you depend on good weather to get your airship off the ground? Then the Lab of Dr. Von Blaster has the answer for you. “Dr. Von Blaster’s Steam powered catapult and catch mechanism” patent pending. Simply aim and throw the catch mechanism first then load yourself pull the the cored and fly! Get anywhere within 50 miles faster then an unladen swallow.

The Lab of Dr. Von Blaster does not guaranty landing in the catch mechanism 100% of the time nor is responsible for G force related injuries. Return trips are to be made with a second catapult or other means.

The Lab of Dr. Von Blaster! Meeting all your powered catapult needs since 1870.

Submitted by Tyler Rinek of Strange Creations

Doc Toc's Showroom of Domestic Devices

Are you tired of siblings lording it over you with their mechanical monkeys?

Do you crave the companionship that only a feisty feline can provide?

Come on down to 'Doc Toc’s Showroom of Domestic Devices'.

Doc Toc brings you the latest in clockwork contraptions and mechanical marvels.

The brand new Wind-Up Wildcat is a compact version of the ever-popular Tic-Toc Tiger. Complete with a realistic purr setting on its motor coils, the Wind-Up Wildcat is everything you could want from a feeble bio-cat and much much more! Marvel as it fells trees in an attempt to sharpen its titanium claws. Gaze awe-stricken as it designs, weaves and finally destroys exquisite and expensive home furnishings. The Wind-Up Wildcat will even produce wire-wool fur balls that can be used around your home or workshop.

For a limited time only, receive a free solid-steel transport cage with each purchase of the Wind-Up Wildcat.

The Wind-Up Wildcat, a fine addition to any home, hunt or military force.

Submitted by Simon Fiddlefield

The Workshop of Isolated Devoted Fans

Are you lacking the advice of a rogue financier?

With fictional sponsors in short supply, do you find yourself worrying where the next fictional dollar will come from?

The now resigned, but still bored at work, workshop of isolated devoted fan brings the following words for your consideration. Use them, loose them, laugh with them or at them, with naught else to occupy him, he’s gonna keep on writing them...in third person.

Are you troubled by tarantulas? Angered by arachnids? Do spiders plague your waking world?

If such terrors put a rustle in your bustle then we have the solution to free your undergarments from fear related quakes. Rid yourself of this condition and harden your disposition with our ingenious invention.

How is such a behavioural transformation possible?

Simply arm yourself with our patented appendage amputation shears and this simple erroneous mantra: “Spiders have eight legs, not six. That must surely be an insect!”

Now you can live a scream-free existence surrounded by swarms of your new found friends.

This marvel of modern mis-thinking is brought to you by Miss Muffet’s emporium of curds, whey and devilish devices. Now available by mail-order.

The Spring Ball has sprung with unfavourable speed and fervour. Despite your best efforts of interception, your ward has seen the invitation and there are simply no more excuses to be made. What terrible fate awaits her in that crowd of peering eyes and wandering hands!?

Fret not. Fear not. Simply send your chaste charge off with a delightful gift from Madam Chastity’s Boutique of Charming Accessories.

Try the Propriety Propensity Belt. This fashionable adornment will accentuate her petite waistline whilst simultaneously breaking the fingers of all who try to touch it.

When your charge arrives home early, which she will, this delectable decoration can be put to good use around the home. Merely place it upon your larder floor to protect your cheeses from ravenous rodents and dishonest servants.

Madam Chastity, protecting reputations and cheeses for over 30 years.

Are you a dejected poet with the blues?

Has the ability to rhyme a couplet deserted you(s)?

Why should you bow to the unruly, hard-to-ryhmey nature of words such as orange?

Simply turn such words into a sorrange!

Purchase a copy of our Dictionary of Questionable Authenticity and all your literary troubles will be over. The Dictionary of Questionable Authenticity contains over 100’000 words that are guaranteed not to be found in any other dictionary! This legendary lexicon is a ‘must have’ for all those that suffer poetic perplexity. Buy now and we’ll include an extra 200 blank pages so that additional words you ‘discover’ can be added at your convenience.

The Dictionary of Questionable Authenticity. Buy it now before stocks eborange!

As usual, this voyage into the shallow depths of creative attempt was brought to you, regardless of consent or contempt, and with much overuse use of rhyming intent, by Mr Simon Fiddlefield.

Robot Attorney

This cantakerous fish bucket is brought to you by Robot Attorney. Long have the imperfectly fleshy masses of law doctors, biased by glandular emotion fits, dominated the field of legal discourse! Let the cold logic of steel and the exquisite clockwork engineering of its rhetorical gearbox make objections stay objectionable, pick jurors with laser guided accuracy and file motions at speeds of well over 80 miles per hour. Nary a judge will remain unconvinced when its bowler flaps back with a jet of steam, it rears up behind the defense to its court approved height of twelve feet and interjects,"PERMISSION TO TREAT THE WITNESS AS HOSTILE. DEPLOYING CROSS EXAMINATION PROBE IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE" Robot Attorney! Court hastily adjourned!

And! Modern piscine surgery has seen fit, against all reason, to strive together THE PERFECT FISH. Regard now the Magic Wish Trout! Provides a complete daily serving of vegetables! Swallops cods! Provides comfort to old women! Exquisitely compliments chocolate! Answers any question so long as you don't mind the answer being wharglhlrgblblrghblub! Makes its own chips! Watches you while you sleep then sleeps while you watch it! Giggles! Magic Qish Trout! Seriously though just eat it.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret passes through the seasons of life as one inevitably must, summer to winter, green to brown, ashes to ashes, the inexorable slide towards WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. AND NOW THE BIRTHDAY SONG FOR EMMETT!

Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion

This perfidious poundcake is brought to you by the Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion. The world is a terrible wasteland pockmarked with the hideous and insane; aesthetic nightmares that can only be saved by a lacy disc of dainty fabric. Yes, any horrible sight can be put out of mind with the proper 'Doily for any Occasion'. Pug faced child? Cover his shame. Pile of dog business? Make that business a classy affair! Cast off meat processing facility? Yes, we make a doily that big, and there's even holes for the sulphur jets. The Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion. What are they even for, anyway!?!

And! Remember now, in the densely humid days of this, our moist summer season, who truly has been making it impossible for you to breath for, well, over a century? Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary. Ask for it, from the family gathered around your sickbed, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret forgot the one word, the important word, the utterance of power that would have forever sealed the ancient perversity of WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Now, let radio cooking shows & outdoor festival news be your DOOM! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mystery Box

This canker tank doodlie bop is brought to you by MYSTERY BOX. A lacquered crate covered in runes, held together with brass nails and terrible suspense! What is the MYSTERY BOX? Was it delivered from the Orient? Found in the Mojave? Bought at a yard sale? What does it contain? Festive scorpions? Tickle midgetts? MOTHER!?! What is the price? Dollars? Pounds? Sheckels? Anguish? PUPPIES? Gaze now into the MYSTERY BOX! MYSTERY BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOXBOXBOXBOXBOX!

And! As a childless spinster inexplicably put in charge of other people's progeny, you find it difficult to take time out, of suppressing your human emotions and staring disapprovingly, to replenish your nanny supplies. Do not worry! Request now, yes, your catalog from the Au Pair Emporium! Inside you will find shapeless black dresses in sizes rail thin & jigglingly obese, black leather medical satchels (for some damn reason), the Widowmaker's Guide to Hair Bun Construction and, in a pinch, the hefty catalog itself can be used as a child discipline tool. The Au Pair Emporium! It's something to do, besides look after the welfare of a child.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is always the carpenter on the trail to WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. You died... of FUN! ... and a snakebite.

Thumbknuckle's Institute of Punching

This modular kerfuffle is brought to you by Thumbknuckle's Institute of Punching. Punching is no longer for the objects of your well-reasoned aggression. While Thumbknuckle's will still gladly assault strangers on a whim but often times what one finds is that a self-inflicted knock to the noggin is necessary to rebuke your own regretful behavior. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS! Let our fist technicians learn you good the next time you lock your parasol inside your ornithopter, forget which powder goes in what chemical or neglect to call your surgically created chimp-man-zee on her birthday. We will go anywhere, use any means, sink to any low to helpfully punch you in the face for being stupid. Thumbknuckle's Institute of Punching: the leaders in hitting dudes.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret disapproves of the style of your attire & sincerely hopes you are inappropriately courted by a pack of WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Incidentally, we did in fact promise you a rose garden. Terribly sorry.

Lord Evans' Famed Drop Bear Launchers

Do you feel a need to deliver terrifying yet adorable death at a distance? Do you mourn the lack of weapons that fire deadly animals? If so then pick up Lord Evans' Dropbear Cannon today.

Dropbears are the carnivorous cousins of the gentle Koalas who infest the Invisible Ham. When exposed to the scent of blood these small bears turn into small balls of fur and death. The drop bear launcher safely contains these dangerous animals, and with a clockwork powered catapult engine will propel these small deadly creatures directly into your enemies.Terrify your enemies, acquaintances and social workers with Lord Evans' drop bear cannon! Make your guest stare in awe at your terrifying masculinity, as you hold our enormous cannon and drive away pesky foes with nature's perfect weapon, the drop bear.

Lord Evans' is not responsible for any injuries that may be suffered while loading the patented drop bear cannon.
Extreme caution is advised when handling. In the case of a misfire, please contact our specialised maintenance crews with your loud terrified screams.

Ask for it by name at your local gun range
Buy now and receive an extra cage of drop bears

Submitted by Pat Evans of Australia

Klaude Davenport's Birthday...

This voluminous voluptuous venom is brought to you by KLAUDE DAVENPORT'S BIRTHDAY! Now sing the birthday song. The Clockwork Cabaret is brought to you by WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Now just keep writing so that they think you're making sponsors. Oh sweet Jesus of the Israelites, I am tired as all the balls of every possible world. I am definitely going to die if I have to go home. I will sleep under a barrel and pretend I am a shot fish.

And! Nothing. I am turning into a goblin. The sleep, she comes for me with knifes of blinky eyes. Soon, the blessed darkness of dreams and stars will seize me and on my bed ship, which is really shaped like a rocket, no lie, I will bust through Little Nemo and hit Slumberland like a effing bomb.

As always, blah blah blah.

Pecos Penny's Wild West Fish Rodeo...

Yabble babble doo dah to you by Pecos Penny's Wild West Fish Rodeo. Let your expectations of dusty plains be swept away, and your cowboy dreams get an overdue bath when you attend the most advanced demonstration in animal taunting ever presented to underwater human eyeballs. WITNESS trout diapering, cod blocking, a blood rousing game of octopus Red Rover and the popular singalong "Gat A Long Little Dugong". Never before have fish been so humiliated. Pecos Penny's Wild West Fish Rodeo. Wharglblrglbrglgrl!

And! Sleep! Precious sleep! Do you miss sleep? Sleep misses you. Comfy, wool-soft sleep. Available now, unwanted until one, Sleep. (pause) SLEEP.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret broke Burnham's smoking ban and buried down the Peristyle, tragically resulting in WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, a call sign that will live in infamy.

Butterscotch Mills Creepy Doll Company...

This labyrinthine folderall is brought to you by Butterscotch Mills Creepy Doll Company. Our expert team of deranged spinsters handcraft an unnerving selection using a variety of quality bits and pieces found in witch attics. Thom Yorke-style assymetrically blinking eyes, tiny fist half-clenched in tepid anger, missing shoes and carefully distressed voice boxes that moan "MA MA" right before you fall asleep. Al these and many more vintage terrors await when your delivery arrives from the Butterscotch Mills Creepy Doll Company. Don't worry; they probably won't come to life.

And! The pollen is subsidized, the temperature is stabilizing and snotty toddlers have all wandered to the sandbox. You, however, are fairly certain the engineer is going to make you use your mouth to spit the coal into the boiler tomorrow. Quick! You need the phlegmy excuse that comes with Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionay! Yes, Dr' Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary! Ask for it, while steadying yourself on a handrail, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret WCOM-LP Chapel Hill Carrboro (abridged version).