This roiling cauldron of radio stew is brought to you by Father Mordecai's Ultra-Saponified Tasty Treats. Ladies, are you unattractively thin? Do you slide out of corsets like a log going down a flume? Is your back like an Atkin's Diet... no rolls? Does your bustle lack hustle? Then it's high time you shoved an Ultra-Saponified Tasty Treat in your craw. Father Mordecai makes this, the newest trend in beauty-fattening aids, with the four essential meat lards - meat, chicken, moose, and miscellaneous. Then, after lovingly wrapping the resultant lard-patty in bonding, he fries to a nutritious golden brown. From there, it is shipped from his odd smelling factory to your physician, who can prescribe to you, the unlovably waifish female, a delicious fortifying Ultra-Saponified Tasty Treat!
And... If you're frustrated by reports of impending precipitation, knowing that you can stand by, impotently, while rain looms in the future, waiting to soak you with possible foreign water, then Professor Cirrus has the umbrella for you. Run, don't walk, to your nearest parasol outlet and obtain the PreEmptive Bumbershoot can accompany you anywhere dark clouds threaten. They will quickly disperse when your PreEmptive Bumbershoot, which comes in four festive prints, blasts a pillar of electromagnetic radiation directly into the impolite atmosphere. A mere half-hour's exposure to cosmic rays is the only price you'll have to pay to keep your dashing beaver pelt hat dry and your dignity intact. Professor Cirrus' PreEmptive Bumbershoot! Haul one in a wheelbarrow to your next picnic... TODAY!
As always, The Clockwork Cabaret comes to you thanks to a generous grant and a significant boot in the ass from WCOM LP-FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which, like you, thinks the Chubb Corporation has a funny name.
