Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax

This bubblegum knick-knack is brought to you by Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax. You know dogs... capable companions, loyal friends, unwanted kissers. But, would anyone confuse them for a contributing member of society? No, because they are dumb, old dogs, you silly pants. What to do, then, when you are absolutely certain they would do smashingly at Petunia's Debutante Ball? DOG WAX TO THE RESCUE! Handlbar hound dogs, poodle pompadours, afghan wigs, pug perms, and beagle beehives! Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax will render your dog high class & hopelessly confused! Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax! Now introducing the Lord & Lady Ba-adorable!

And! Explosions! The perfect way to end an awkward pause, startle suspected burglars, liven up a baptismal, end run-on sentences, tickle the underside of BOOM!

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret, after years of hard drinking & consorting with loose women, returns like the prodigal WCOM-LP FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, then claims it forgot its jacket and quickly leaves again.

The Slash & Sew Sail Slicer

Here’s one for all you boat-hungry buccaneers that think that a sword through a sail is the only way to board a ship. Tired of dramatically descending the length of a mainsail only to discover you don’t have a spare? If so, Professor Skyhatch has the solution in the form of the Slash and Sew Sail Slicer. This contemporary cutlass will combine your care-free principals of piracy with much needed precision repair. Simply thrust the blade through canvas and throw yourself towards the deck as per usual. The Slash and Sew Sail Slicer will automatically re-stitch your trail through the fabric and ensure that your stolen vessel is still worth stealing. The Slash and Sew Sail Slicer, thread and spindle sold separately.

And, Edward Brassbuckle, cartographer extraordinaire, invites you to the race of races, the chase of chases, the most daring derby ever witnessed. Winner takes all in this glamorous competition and prospective participants need only pay a petty entrance fee to join the ranks of revelling racers. Simply be the first to cross the Dread Swamp and your name will go down in sporting history. The method of motion is completely at your discretion. Your chosen contraption can hop, plop, stride, stream, spin or saunter. Only actual flight, slave power and time travel are prohibited. Don’t delay! Notify your loved ones, update your Will and join today!

submitted by Simon Fiddlefield