Earlier this year, an intrepid team of Arctic explorers tumbled into a previously uncharted crevice in the frozen wasteland. Here, far beneath the Earth's crust, they discovered a tropical wonderland populated by magnificent beasts of prehistoric yore. Yes, they found the dinosaurs and now, you too can find these mysterious and noble creatures on your Thanksgiving dinner table thanks to Randolph Everett's Choice Cut Dino-meats! Your first course soup will wow your guests when you throw in a generous helping of Stega-Stew-Chunks! Combine the grandeur of the past with the flavor of the Orient with a delightful Teriyaki-Dactyl! And, as the center of your Thanksgiving meal, carve into a slow-cooked Veloci-Roaster, guaranteed juicy, lean and mostly dead. Randolph Everett's Choice Cut Dino-Meats asks, "Won't you stuff yourself full of dinosaur this year?"
And... after you've stumbled out of bed, groggy from your thunder lizard repast, and began arming yourself for your Black Friday shopping, won't you remember Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary! It's the gift that keeps on giving - until they put you in quarantine. Ask for it, in a wet, strangled rasp, by name.
As always, The Clockwork Cabaret comes to you wrapped in butcher's twine, pulled from the defrosted carcass of WCOM 103.5 LP-FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which forgot the nutmeg and brown sugar this year AGAIN. DAMMIT!
Now, if you'll excuse me ladies, I'm off to petition the President to reinstate the sentence on that turkey. No turkey who did what that turkey did to those prostitutes should be allowed to live!
