Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Sextant St. Sextant's Mood-Setting Real Estate...

This utterance of delight is brought to you by Sextant St. Sextant's Mood-Setting Real Estate. Are you a soul-searching poet of somber disposition looking for a location necessary to morbid reflection? Are you a stoic professor of criminology in need of a home ripe with the ptential for intriguing calamity? We have the location for you! Skeletal tree on a mist-shrouded hill? We got it! Rickety shutters that clutter in a baleful wind? There they are! The hounds? You can't stop us from loosing them! From creaking floorboards to inaccessible attics, every property is guaranteed to amuse, inspre and forebode. Sextant St. Sextant's Mood-Setting Real Estate. There's a foog on the mooorrrs! And it could be yours!

And! Uncle Howard will be drinking, Auntie Maude will be shrieking & two score of ill-bred children will be squirming underfoot. Yes, soon the holidays will arrive and with them will come your relations, somehow detached from the manners that you were naturally graced with by God. So why not act early and order, rush delivery, the Yuletide Edition of Lady Haversham's Behavior-Correcting Phrenology Hammer. Why, even the sight of you, with a glass of gin in one hand and ten pounds of polite reminder of civil discourse in the other will stifle all but the most obstinate of cousins. Lady Haversham's Behavior-Correcting Phrenology Hammer! Also, for use with chestnuts!

As Always, the Clockwork Cabaret hangs its stockings by the chimney with care, in the hopes that St. Nick would soon be WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Boy, those sugarplum fairies are fat as hell!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Potomus Farms' Self-Delivery Whirlybird...

This showcade of interest is brought to you by Potomus Farms' Self-Delivery Whirlybird. The holiday season is a sressful and maddening time for even the most matronly of homemakers, so this Christmas time, why not let Potomus Farms prepare and deliver you a delicious autonomously delivered fowl of your choosing. Simply clear a ten foot landing area on your dining surface, prepare an impact cushion of stuffing, then using the signal whistle received in the post, tweetle out of your open window. A high pitched screech and mildly explosive collision will let you know your carefully prepared, hopefully deceased Yuletide repast has arrived. What could be more convenient!?! Potomus Farms' Self-Delivery Whirlybird. LOOK OUT! Here it comes!

And! Ephraim Shroud's Mystery Jars of Formaldehyde & Various Fiddly Organ Bits. Put them in your laboratory with some tasteful back-lighting, and you tell the world that you're not going to let unmedicated psychosis get in the way of electrocuting things in the name of science. Ephraim Shroud's Mystery Jars of Formaldehyde & Various Fiddly Organ Bits. Ask for them, if you can remember all that, by name!

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret tramples an indecisive housewife at the shops to get their grubby mitts on the perfect WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. the gift that's great for the man who has everything except a sense of propriety.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

West Trolley Nominal ReAssignment Agency...

This symphonic sweetie num-nums is brought to you by the West Trolley Nominal ReAssignment Agency. Perhaps you are bored with the simply plebeian name free of embellishment and pizazz, something yawn-worthy like John or Lacy or Douglas. "No more!" say the creative gentlemen of the West Trolly Nominal ReAssignment Agency. Doors will open, fortunes will flow, and dorma will pause momentarily when you are introduced as 'William Cubbibutton' or as 'Lord Snausage' or 'Petunia Foldarole'. Yes, once your name smacks of selling something on this show, your meteoric rise throw the social strata will cause your previous betters to throw themselves clear of the blast and having been stunned applaud lightly. The West Trolley Nominal ReAssignment Agency... sure, you could think of a better name, yourself...

And, PUPPIES! Feeling down, a bit depressed? Plans ruined? Tea party in disarray? Simply pick up one puppy and apply liberally to face, then sit back until the dosage takes affect. Using puppies more than once may result in unbearable bahdorableness. Puppies! Baaow.
Also available in kittens.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret grabs their partner dosey-doe, dance real fast, and now go WCOM -LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which also hopes that Emmett will feel better soon and is busily preparing a chicken soup bath for her, as we speak.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Busby Healthcare Energy Tonic...

This eardrum speed-boxing is brought to you by the Busby Healthcare Energy Tonic. Yawning at your shovel? Behind on your rowing? Falling asleep on the coach & subsequently being unable to find your way out of your own bustle? Imbibe now please the Busby Healthcare Energy Tonic. Made from medicinal treacle, this specially fermented potion will have you up and across the warehouse floor, breezing through your 20 hour shift in no time. The Busby Healthcare Energy Tonic: We really hope you don't have anything to do tomorrow!

And! The fall is here. The sun is setting earlier behind Olympus Mons, the choking rust-colored sandstorms have an especial chill and, you, fierce & gelatinous tyrant, are preparing for another invasion of your pleasant blue neighbor. The Obsidian Fortress of Disease Control reminds you to get innoculated with the Human Flu Vaccine before you climb into your tripod this kill-season. Please, if not for yourself, get treated for the sake of your precious egg-sacs.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret responds in a daze to the irresistible clarion call of the dread underground dwelling WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which would like to remind you that it's okay to be different. Just stop strangling the mailman, please.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Garfunkles Carbunkle Debunkler...

This sponsorship ad was sent to us by Andrew Horton of Salisbury, Wiltshire, England

This perpetual birthday extravaganza is brought to you by Garfunkles Carbunkle Debunkler. Carbunkle debunking your funk? Steampunk unpunked by the backside carbunk? LOOK NO FURTHER!! Garfunkles patented (probably) Carbunkle Debunkler will debunkle the toughest of carbunkles with a flick of the wrist....

BUT WAIT - What's this!? Carbunkles back in? Everyone in London sporting the rear end rellishes again!? Don't be left out because of hasty debunkling with: Garfunkles Carbunkle ReBunkler - simply apply the special pomade and unflick that wrist for an instantly rebunkled derrier - returned to its orginal pleasing shape, texture and odour. Now that's bunkle-tastic...

Buy now and we'll throw in Garfunkles Fauxbunkles - will fool even the best trained physicians into believing you're as carbunkled as the rest of old London town without any of the commitment of genuine Carbunkling. Don't take my word for it, try it yourselves! Garfunkles Carbunkle Emporium, 86 Lower Street, London.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Madame Ululate's 'Good & Proper Word-tionary'...

This week's sponsors were read by Klaude Davenport, as it's my birthday week & I don't work on this joyous occasion.

This week's Phineas philled bonanza-palooza is brought to you by Madame Ululate's 'Good & Proper Word-tionary' Madame Ululate's 'Good & Proper Word-tionary' is a word filled compendium for those of us who find a regular "dictionary" too full of unnecessarily crass nouns & verbs. Madame Ululate has painstakingly culled a list of offensive words, mostly based on the recently published copy of Phineas P. Moneyload's "My Favorite Best Words". The good & proper dictionary removes such offenses as "dictionary", flatulence, balderdash, bum, waggle slap, turgid, pestilence, plop, loo, flaccid, and Thor's Hammer.

As always this week's thirty year horror has beaten egg, milk, sugar & flour together before baking for 25 minutes, cooling, covering with a sugar & lard paste, and crammed full of candles which spell out WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro - and also spelling Happy Birthday, Phineas P. Moneyload, Rogue Financier!

And that's why The Clockwork Cabaret blows out a fire alarm every darn time we celebrate a birthday.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ducole Company...

This one hundred percent biodegradable product is brought to you by Ducky of the Ducole Company. Thanks for being born! That was real big of ya!

And! Straight from the runways of the Parisian fashion world come this season's must have compartmental accessory. Whether you toss it over your shoulder, strap it to your waist or balance it precariously on your bustle; be you man, woman, child, manimal or robot approximation of any of the above; you, too, must have a Duchy Bag! Bearing this ostentatious ornament, people will see you mincing down the street and proclaim,"Wow, look at that Duchy bag." It's guaranteed! Also, available in Side-Mounting Hipster Duchy Bag.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret begins to gather nuts and berries in preparation for a long, terrible WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which would like to remind you that, yes, this was written on a napkin. A LEGALLY-BINDING NAPKIN!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Marcel Moreau's 'Guilt-Free Live Fur Coats'...

This sea worthy sound factory is brought to you by Marcel Moreau's 'Guilt-Free Live Fur Coats'. Surely you are aware of the pitiful plight of the poor ermine or the doomed rabbit? Destined to become the height of fashion, likewise you wish to look amazing come the winter and rightly think of fake fur as something poor people & the insane wear. Worry no longer! Thanks to the latest advances in veterinary surgery techniques, you can remain appropriately fabulous while living free from the despair of exterminating cute fuzzies. How!?! By wearing your fur while they're still alive! Marcel Moreau's 'Guilt-Free Live Fur Coats' provide warmth & style while their jolly wriggling and inhuman squeals are guaranteed to start conversations and discourage muggers. Don't get caught in the House of Plain! By a 'Guilt Free Live Fur Coat' today!

And, Ladies... lean back on your chaise lounge and loosen your corset, pull up your skirts, no, we won't tell your aunt, that your ankles are showing. Come the stroke of midnight the sitting room doors will slide open and there will appear your new lover, gleaming from a fresh polish and belching coal smoke, whispering into your ear,"YOUR EYES ARE LIKE LIMPID POOLS OF .. PLEASE REINSERT DISK." Millard Morefill, Robot Gigolo - His heart is aflame with passion, his face is aflame with faulty wiring.

And, as always, The Clockwork Cabaret slides into the cannon and then following a drum roll, it is expelled with explosive force into WCOM FM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which would like to remind you... LONDON.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Quality Quarter Farthings...

This comely sonic strumpet is brought to you by Quality Quarter Farthings. Your compatriots in the fast expanding past-time of cycling look dandy on their machines, but you cannot be expected to conform to their piddling peddling height. Enter the Quality Quarter Farthing. With a front wheel fully 25 times the size of a prole's penny farthing, you will instantly gain attention as you glide past, towering over your compatriots, street signs, most trees and select buildings. Additionally, everyone will marvel at your incredible wealth as it will largely be consumed by the wages required by the servants necessary to get you off and careening. Quality Quarter Farthings: Good Luck?

AND!! Gin! First it was for the poor, now the gentleman asks for more! Gin: finally, something to look forward to.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret stands ready to charge across Crimea into the waiting cannon of WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. But don't fret, the cannon are just waiting for a coach to go visit Grandma-ma.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Bertram & Co. Assorted Contraptions...

This sweetie box full of sugary sonic num-nums is brought to you by Bertram & Co. Assorted Contraptions. Some of them twang, some of them boing and an astonishing number of them explode, but Bertram & Co.'s collection of gadgets and whizbangs are guaranteed to amuse. Come down to your local Bertram's store now and get half off on all the apparatuses you can subdue.

Also! The makers of Watt's Medicinal Squid Juice, comeWatt's All-In-One Cephalo-Tonic. Hand squeezed from artisan cuttlefish; Watt's All-In-One makes a great lubricant, laxative, baby formula, writing material, thesis subject, minor distraction, practical joke, and dessert topping. Ask for it - using your best squid impression (insert impression here) - by name!

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret comes tumbling out of the cupboard with the bursar's wife courtesy of WCOM-LP, Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which would like to remind you that tomorrow is No Blinking Day! Violators will be fined.

Now, if you'll excuse me, ladies, I have to crawl back into that barrel and find out what I've been doing for the past month. Do any of you know who Nora is? The letters I've been getting seem to indicate that this person is important.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Leon Tangybosh's Every-Butter!

This delectable drop-forged delight is brought to you by Leon Tangybosh's Every-Butter! Brewed according to terrifying laboratory specifications, Leon Tangybosh's Every-Butter can be used in any instance where one thing can be vastly improved by smearing something else on it. Employ it as a bread-topping, industrial lubricant, suntan lotion, or baby formula. Use it to cheat at baseball, cheat on your taxes, cheat on your spouse or cheat death, or subsequently hasten it. Leon Tangybosh's Every-Butter: it's apparently helpful!

And! Gentlemen, do you have a love of broccoli bordering on the indecent, but simply can't stand the indignity of the rear-blowing winds that dominate the forecast for your bottom's weather afterward? Has no amount of pants-layering been able to muffle the company-dispersing uproar? Perhaps, instead of silencing your body's unbearable naturalness, you should disguise it with a jaunty tune! Colonel Walleye's Piccolo Pants to the rescue! Yes, beans will truly become the musical fruit when your nether breath passes through a hardly bulging apparatus to produce a merry brief and apparently random jig. Colonel Walleye's Piccolo Pants: they'll know you farted but at least they'll dance to it!

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret races through the fog-shrouded alleys of Whitechapel with a pack of hounds in hot pursuit of the killer who would be called WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, fresh after a spate of saucy, threatening letter writing about watering regulations. THEY'LL RUE THE DAY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!