Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Loud Screaming Men...

This extremely exhausted edition of the Clockwork Cabaret is brought to you by Loud Screaming Men. A weekend of debauchery has left you ill-equipped to pay attention to your boss, your loved ones or oncoming traffic, so why not hire out a brace of strapping young bellowers to snap you back to attention? Many fine varieties are available to choose from, including sporty (WOO!), frightening (AAAH!), and congratulatory (YAY!), shrill ladies are also available upon request (EEE!). Call Loud Screaming Men LTD. and have someone scream at you on purpose today!

And... Abner Toffee's Pneumatic Hat. Most hats claim to be One Size Fits All, but Abner Toffee's Pneumatic Hat ensures that all heads fit this wonderful, surgical-grade chapeau. WARNING: Not to be used by anyone.

As always the Clockwork Cabaret hits the snooze alarm three or four times before finally giving into WCOM LP-FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which brings you the best in music, news, and talk, despite our valiant efforts.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Advert: Master Ichabod's Ozone Generator

Do you enjoy the smell of the air after a thunderstorm? Then you'll love Master Ichabod's Ozone Generator.

Ozone is nature's disinfectant, and no disease can exist in a malignant form where it is in the atmosphere. It removes the offensiveness of many hideous odors, replacing it with the fresh & pleasant smell of ozone.

We supply Ozone Genrators in 2 sizes - Dainty & Enormous.
Orders by post promptly attended to; Send for pamphlet & free scratch n' sniff testers.

Also available in a personal hygiene travel size - Ichabod's Single Use Disposable Ozone Moustache Appliques. Nestle within your moustache for all day timed release. Ozone smell as near to you as your upper lip.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Klaude Davenport's Botched Inventions...

Thanks to the latest in hybrid technology, this week's show is brought to you from the creaking, mysteriously dripping vaults containing Klaude Davenport's Botched Inventions, which thanks to their high degree of botchitude, can now be purchased at rock-bottom prices.

Firstly, Klaude Davenport's Blunderbustle! Giving a new meaning to the term "rear flank", these high explosive, high fashion accoutrements, first disarm the enemy romantically, then disarm them in actuality. Putting the boom in the zoom-a-boom-boom, it's Klaude Davenport's Blunderbustle!

Also from Klaude's Kitchen, it's the Pancake Milkshake! Fortified with moleculites, the Pancake Milkshake is delicious, nutritious, and slightly hallucinogenic. Now in blueberry, banana, and sentient.

As always, Klaude Davenport's failures as an inventor and victories as an unintentional conceptual artist are brought to you by WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which thanks to Klaude, is now powered by the plutonium honey of the deadly ATOM-O-BEE! Buzz buzz kill!