Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Triple Bottom City Council Forcible Temperance League

This fraggle snaggle whipsnap crackerjack is brought to you by the Triple Bottom City Council Forcible Temperance League. Your muncipality is overrun by the foul fiend that leads men astray and women to gladly accept this; the horrible specter that both destroys families and makes them more tolerable; the stygian goatlord that makes dull conversations inescapable and bar tabs incalcuable. DEMON RUM! ALCOHOL! THE TEMPTRESS BOOZE! What can you do to stop this flood of depravity that's sure to drown the good, God-fearing, terminably boring people of YOUR town? Normally, a gang of sour faced spinsters would take axes to the sin barrels of your hell-taverns, releasing the townsfolk from degradation and fun. The Triple Bottom City Council Forcible Temperance League goes ONE STEP FURTHER. From behind bushes, they will spring, punching the potential gins from the guts of tipsy passers-by! Tumbling from trellises, they strike, smashing the bottles of obviously alcoholic babies, the filthiest of drunkards! A manhole explodes from the street and a gang of black clad special operations grandmothers, armed with bottle openers, dismantle a still like piranhas on a limping tourist! This is your fate! This is your future! Free of booze, full of terror, it's the Triple Bottom City Council Forcible Temperance League! HIYAAH!

And! The leaves are turning, the days are waning and your lungs are filling with the sort of viscous ichor that normally fights Conan the Barbarian at the bottom of a temple pit. Get a head start on the melee with Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary! Ask for it, steadying yourself on a handrail, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret winds her way up the stairs of the lighthouse to light the beacon, calling home her wayward sailor from tempest tossed seas, but she well knows that his life, his love and his lady is the WCOM LP Chapel HIll & Carrboro. Oh Mandy, you're a fine girl, but I'd rather hang out with a bunch of dudes in the middle of nowhere.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Wonderous Telemaphone

This frazzled go-getter is brought to you by the Wonderous Telemaphone! Move over, Bell! Shove it, Marconi! Get lost, Farnsworth! The most amazing advancement in communication and long distance entertainment is here! IN YOUR FACE! RIGHT! NOW! Pick up the cast-iron receiver and call ANYONE FOR ANY REASON! Long lost relatives? Ask them for money! Displaced children? Tell them to remain so! Recently deceased? Use them to reserve your room athe Best Western in Purgatory! The Wonderous Telemaphone! You practically have to call your mother now! FOREVER.

And! PANDAS! They aren't good for anything.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret tumbles from the dryer, fresh, fuzzy, cuddly and WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. And, wait 'til you see what we left in the lint trap!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Prudence Fine, Quality Sausage Stuffers

This pig puckle whack smack is brought to you by the Prudence Fine, Quality Sausage Stuffers! You already know sausage are some kind of splendid. But, must you really settle for the usual pork, poultry and sawdust? Here at Prudence Fine, Quality Sausage Stuffers, our intestine technology ensures that your brat will be bursting with whatever your heart desires! Buffalo? Pretty pedestrian but okay. Ostrich? Okay sure, that's fine. Just think about the possibilities, man. Alligator? Look, never mind, forget it. The Prudence Fine, Quality Sausage Stuffers! PEOPLE, WE WANT YOU TO SAY PEOPLE.

AND! Extra long suspenders from the Brace Place. The only place to get extra long suspenders for fancy pants. Ground, bounce, snap back, get down, go to town, buy some milk, soil your silk, slap your mother boogie jig, the new new golden standard in inappropriate dancing.

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret blah blah blah WCOM-LP FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro. IT's BIRTHDAY TIME, ELIZA!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Bassworks Gear Foundry

This wonder tickle monkey pickle is brought to you by the Bassworks Gear Foundry. The Bassworks Gear Foundry manufactures a wide selection of gears in brass & steel in a variety of ratios for use in the finest of clockwork intricacies to the most powerful of locomotive engines. The Basswork Gear Foundry; what do we care, you're just going to uselessly hot glue them to your shoes, anyway.

And! Corsets for Cats! The perfect pressure tube for your portly pussycat. She can finally show her alternately indifferent & terrified face in public again! Corsets for Cats! Good luck putting it on!

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret kidnaps the school marm and ties her to the WCOM-LP FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, which is okay because the Democracy Now people will let her loose in the morning.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax

This bubblegum knick-knack is brought to you by Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax. You know dogs... capable companions, loyal friends, unwanted kissers. But, would anyone confuse them for a contributing member of society? No, because they are dumb, old dogs, you silly pants. What to do, then, when you are absolutely certain they would do smashingly at Petunia's Debutante Ball? DOG WAX TO THE RESCUE! Handlbar hound dogs, poodle pompadours, afghan wigs, pug perms, and beagle beehives! Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax will render your dog high class & hopelessly confused! Abraham Candlewick's Professional Dog Wax! Now introducing the Lord & Lady Ba-adorable!

And! Explosions! The perfect way to end an awkward pause, startle suspected burglars, liven up a baptismal, end run-on sentences, tickle the underside of BOOM!

As always, The Clockwork Cabaret, after years of hard drinking & consorting with loose women, returns like the prodigal WCOM-LP FM Chapel Hill & Carrboro, then claims it forgot its jacket and quickly leaves again.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Slash & Sew Sail Slicer

Here’s one for all you boat-hungry buccaneers that think that a sword through a sail is the only way to board a ship. Tired of dramatically descending the length of a mainsail only to discover you don’t have a spare? If so, Professor Skyhatch has the solution in the form of the Slash and Sew Sail Slicer. This contemporary cutlass will combine your care-free principals of piracy with much needed precision repair. Simply thrust the blade through canvas and throw yourself towards the deck as per usual. The Slash and Sew Sail Slicer will automatically re-stitch your trail through the fabric and ensure that your stolen vessel is still worth stealing. The Slash and Sew Sail Slicer, thread and spindle sold separately.

And, Edward Brassbuckle, cartographer extraordinaire, invites you to the race of races, the chase of chases, the most daring derby ever witnessed. Winner takes all in this glamorous competition and prospective participants need only pay a petty entrance fee to join the ranks of revelling racers. Simply be the first to cross the Dread Swamp and your name will go down in sporting history. The method of motion is completely at your discretion. Your chosen contraption can hop, plop, stride, stream, spin or saunter. Only actual flight, slave power and time travel are prohibited. Don’t delay! Notify your loved ones, update your Will and join today!

submitted by Simon Fiddlefield

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Constabulary of British Gentlemen's Lip Starch

This emotive imagining is brought to you by The Constabulary of British Gentlemen's Lip Starch. Do emotions get the better of you? Do you find yourself lacking resolve?
The Constabulary of British Gentlemen has a few simple words for you: Keep a stiff upper lip! That’s right folks; a daily application of our patented Lip-Starch is all you need to fool the world into thinking you are a man of substance and character. Regardless of pain, tragedy or familial death, your expression will remain stern and emotionless whilst you quietly weep on the inside. Lip-Starch! You may never smile again.

The Clockwork Cabaret leaps from rooftop to rooftop in hot pursuit of that dastardly villain WCOM 103.5 LP Chapel Hill and Carrboro. But, not to worry, he only attacks on Wednesdays.

submitted by Simon Fiddlefield