Robot Attorney

This cantakerous fish bucket is brought to you by Robot Attorney. Long have the imperfectly fleshy masses of law doctors, biased by glandular emotion fits, dominated the field of legal discourse! Let the cold logic of steel and the exquisite clockwork engineering of its rhetorical gearbox make objections stay objectionable, pick jurors with laser guided accuracy and file motions at speeds of well over 80 miles per hour. Nary a judge will remain unconvinced when its bowler flaps back with a jet of steam, it rears up behind the defense to its court approved height of twelve feet and interjects,"PERMISSION TO TREAT THE WITNESS AS HOSTILE. DEPLOYING CROSS EXAMINATION PROBE IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE" Robot Attorney! Court hastily adjourned!

And! Modern piscine surgery has seen fit, against all reason, to strive together THE PERFECT FISH. Regard now the Magic Wish Trout! Provides a complete daily serving of vegetables! Swallops cods! Provides comfort to old women! Exquisitely compliments chocolate! Answers any question so long as you don't mind the answer being wharglhlrgblblrghblub! Makes its own chips! Watches you while you sleep then sleeps while you watch it! Giggles! Magic Qish Trout! Seriously though just eat it.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret passes through the seasons of life as one inevitably must, summer to winter, green to brown, ashes to ashes, the inexorable slide towards WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. AND NOW THE BIRTHDAY SONG FOR EMMETT!

Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion

This perfidious poundcake is brought to you by the Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion. The world is a terrible wasteland pockmarked with the hideous and insane; aesthetic nightmares that can only be saved by a lacy disc of dainty fabric. Yes, any horrible sight can be put out of mind with the proper 'Doily for any Occasion'. Pug faced child? Cover his shame. Pile of dog business? Make that business a classy affair! Cast off meat processing facility? Yes, we make a doily that big, and there's even holes for the sulphur jets. The Cloister Sisters' Doilies For Any Occasion. What are they even for, anyway!?!

And! Remember now, in the densely humid days of this, our moist summer season, who truly has been making it impossible for you to breath for, well, over a century? Dr. Feelgood's Tubercular Confectionary. Ask for it, from the family gathered around your sickbed, by name.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret forgot the one word, the important word, the utterance of power that would have forever sealed the ancient perversity of WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Now, let radio cooking shows & outdoor festival news be your DOOM! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mystery Box

This canker tank doodlie bop is brought to you by MYSTERY BOX. A lacquered crate covered in runes, held together with brass nails and terrible suspense! What is the MYSTERY BOX? Was it delivered from the Orient? Found in the Mojave? Bought at a yard sale? What does it contain? Festive scorpions? Tickle midgetts? MOTHER!?! What is the price? Dollars? Pounds? Sheckels? Anguish? PUPPIES? Gaze now into the MYSTERY BOX! MYSTERY BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOXBOXBOXBOXBOX!

And! As a childless spinster inexplicably put in charge of other people's progeny, you find it difficult to take time out, of suppressing your human emotions and staring disapprovingly, to replenish your nanny supplies. Do not worry! Request now, yes, your catalog from the Au Pair Emporium! Inside you will find shapeless black dresses in sizes rail thin & jigglingly obese, black leather medical satchels (for some damn reason), the Widowmaker's Guide to Hair Bun Construction and, in a pinch, the hefty catalog itself can be used as a child discipline tool. The Au Pair Emporium! It's something to do, besides look after the welfare of a child.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is always the carpenter on the trail to WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. You died... of FUN! ... and a snakebite.

Thumbknuckle's Institute of Punching

This modular kerfuffle is brought to you by Thumbknuckle's Institute of Punching. Punching is no longer for the objects of your well-reasoned aggression. While Thumbknuckle's will still gladly assault strangers on a whim but often times what one finds is that a self-inflicted knock to the noggin is necessary to rebuke your own regretful behavior. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS! Let our fist technicians learn you good the next time you lock your parasol inside your ornithopter, forget which powder goes in what chemical or neglect to call your surgically created chimp-man-zee on her birthday. We will go anywhere, use any means, sink to any low to helpfully punch you in the face for being stupid. Thumbknuckle's Institute of Punching: the leaders in hitting dudes.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret disapproves of the style of your attire & sincerely hopes you are inappropriately courted by a pack of WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Incidentally, we did in fact promise you a rose garden. Terribly sorry.

Lord Evans' Famed Drop Bear Launchers

Do you feel a need to deliver terrifying yet adorable death at a distance? Do you mourn the lack of weapons that fire deadly animals? If so then pick up Lord Evans' Dropbear Cannon today.

Dropbears are the carnivorous cousins of the gentle Koalas who infest the Invisible Ham. When exposed to the scent of blood these small bears turn into small balls of fur and death. The drop bear launcher safely contains these dangerous animals, and with a clockwork powered catapult engine will propel these small deadly creatures directly into your enemies.Terrify your enemies, acquaintances and social workers with Lord Evans' drop bear cannon! Make your guest stare in awe at your terrifying masculinity, as you hold our enormous cannon and drive away pesky foes with nature's perfect weapon, the drop bear.

Lord Evans' is not responsible for any injuries that may be suffered while loading the patented drop bear cannon.
Extreme caution is advised when handling. In the case of a misfire, please contact our specialised maintenance crews with your loud terrified screams.

Ask for it by name at your local gun range
Buy now and receive an extra cage of drop bears

Submitted by Pat Evans of Australia

Klaude Davenport's Birthday...

This voluminous voluptuous venom is brought to you by KLAUDE DAVENPORT'S BIRTHDAY! Now sing the birthday song. The Clockwork Cabaret is brought to you by WCOM LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro. Now just keep writing so that they think you're making sponsors. Oh sweet Jesus of the Israelites, I am tired as all the balls of every possible world. I am definitely going to die if I have to go home. I will sleep under a barrel and pretend I am a shot fish.

And! Nothing. I am turning into a goblin. The sleep, she comes for me with knifes of blinky eyes. Soon, the blessed darkness of dreams and stars will seize me and on my bed ship, which is really shaped like a rocket, no lie, I will bust through Little Nemo and hit Slumberland like a effing bomb.

As always, blah blah blah.

Pecos Penny's Wild West Fish Rodeo...

Yabble babble doo dah to you by Pecos Penny's Wild West Fish Rodeo. Let your expectations of dusty plains be swept away, and your cowboy dreams get an overdue bath when you attend the most advanced demonstration in animal taunting ever presented to underwater human eyeballs. WITNESS trout diapering, cod blocking, a blood rousing game of octopus Red Rover and the popular singalong "Gat A Long Little Dugong". Never before have fish been so humiliated. Pecos Penny's Wild West Fish Rodeo. Wharglblrglbrglgrl!

And! Sleep! Precious sleep! Do you miss sleep? Sleep misses you. Comfy, wool-soft sleep. Available now, unwanted until one, Sleep. (pause) SLEEP.

As always, the Clockwork Cabaret broke Burnham's smoking ban and buried down the Peristyle, tragically resulting in WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, a call sign that will live in infamy.