This whimsical conceit is brought to you by Quality Face Weights. As you, the well-heeled gentleman, knows a perfectly constructed mug full of acceptably groomed facial hair, properly buttressed with pomades and load-bearing salves can weigh in excess of thirty to forty pounds. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. Without a good foundation, this socially complete profile coiffure will lead to drop jowls, flop chin, flibbity lips and the perma-frowns. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. Quality Face Weights fit into you convenient face-holes and once you follow the comprehensive exercise instructions contained in the package sack, you will develop a steel web of muscles that may threaten to accidentally crush your own skull, but will definitely support a mighty Van Dyke, actually capable of holding back tides. As an added bonus, your labial trough will be able to crack walnuts, providing you with the quick burst of energy necessary to sport chin whiskers that could double as as pigeon roost. Quality Face Weights, the only answer for a ridiculous mustache.
AND! The Little Hopmister Valley in the Green Down Past the Red House Where that Old Man Used to Live Community Theater Company and Catering presents the all-children production of Madame Butterfly, debuting this Thursday in your nightmares.
As always, the Clockwork Cabaret is the sole survivor of the wreck of the Edmund Fitz WCOM-LP Chapel Hill & Carrboro, and God rest the souls of all those other radio shows that drowned that terrible day.
